A Writer’s Diary Entries From Late July, 2002
Saturday, July 27, 2002
10 PM. As I told Dr. Koncsol this afternoon, I decided to put off extreme anxiety until tomorrow, and I’ve been successful in doing that.
Maybe anxiety will strike with insomnia tonight, but today I was much more relaxed than I ever thought I could be, especially after Monday.
Dr. K felt that my crackup on Monday was a good thing because I ended up telling myself I’d studied enough.
Maybe. I know that it helped purge my anxiety. Although if I really thought about actually taking the bar exam now – that is, imagining it happening – I’d go crazy.
So I’m just drifting along on that body of water we are tiresomely told is not a river in Egypt.
Denial can be healthy at times. Everyone who’s not reading their 401(k) statements is a current example.
Actually, I became most anxious today after reading more about the almost certain passage of bankruptcy “reform.”
Translation: The politicians have sold us out to the credit card companies and will make it nearly impossible to file for personal bankruptcy.
So if I am to declare bankruptcy, I’d better do it soon, like by year’s end. Right now I can just about manage my minimum monthly payments, but I don’t know how long that will last.
Certainly any change in my income would make it impossible, and I don’t want to be wedded to a job I’m not sure I like.
Well, I’ll postpone thinking about it until after the bar exam.
While I do fear a credit card-less life, that may just be another fear I’ll have to deal with.
After all, I somehow managed to get through a few years in the early 1990s without credit, back when I was starting out in Gainesville.
I probably can always get a secured card if I’m willing to pay the exorbitant fees.
Okay, now I’m starting to obsess about my debts, and I need to go back to denial.
This morning I went first to Starbucks and then to my office, where I sent my out-of-office reply to incoming emails.
My sciatica felt a little worse today, but while she was giving me a massage, Angela said the rest of my body wasn’t so tightly wound.
When I came out after the massage, Sarah at the counter asked how I was.
“Nervous,” I said, and she responded: “So what else is new?”
My next appointment with Dr. Koncsol isn’t until August 31, as he’ll either be away or booked up before that. And after that appointment I’ve got only one left.
I told Dr. K about Monday and what happened at BCC on Friday, when I was offered and later turned down a class for the spring term.
Dr. K said that teaching freshman comp is about the worst job in academia, and it’s certainly no way to put joie de vivre in my life.
“So how do I do that?” I asked.
At first I thought his answer was “Find another job,” but what he actually said was, “Find another Sean.” (I’d told him about Sean.)
Easier said than done; it’s unlikely that a guy like Sean is going to show up at my apartment door.
We’ll see.
Like Ed Koch and Janet Reno, having been single so long, I’ve become set in my ways.
Of course, while living with other people has curbed my worst instincts, I do crave solitude.
Why am I writing about this now when I’m facing the scariest test in my life on Tuesday?
I asked Dr. K the same question when I was talking about relationships during our session. He said I didn’t seem particularly scared about taking the bar exam.
At 3 PM, I was sitting in my apartment and not quite knowing what to do with myself.
So, after eating a Boca burger an hour later, I took off for Fort Lauderdale, and yes, Borders had the Sunday New York Times, which I read there for a couple of hours over rooibos tea and low-fat biscotti.
And I continued to read the paper once I got home. So far, my anxiety hasn’t even peeked out today, but as I said to Dr. K, I’ll probably be a wreck tomorrow.
My flight isn’t till 5:25 PM, so I’ll have the whole day to be nervous. (That’s why I usually try to fly as early in the day as possible.)
I need to do laundry in the morning.
Sunday, July 28, 2002
9:30 PM. I’m in the Howard Johnson Inn Express – or Express Inn – on South Dale Mabry.
It’s sort of a fleabag Patel motel, but it’s just for one night, but unlike the Hyatt Regency, where I’ll be staying for the rest of my visit, it’s got a microwave and a refrigerator because some people live here by the week.
I’ve been fine watching HBO – a Six Feet Under rerun and a new episode of Sex and the City. I miss my HBO on Sunday nights.
When I look back at the nights I slept on the family room floor in Apache Junction a year ago, I do remember loving those Sunday nights.
I felt anxious today, but not unbearably so. I went to Barnes & Noble at 9 AM and knocked off the New York Times Arts and Leisure section and the Book Review.
I also stopped at the office. I got an email reply from that woman, Anne Nelson, who contacted Red Hen Press. The subject line was “Bowled over by Richard Grayson.”
She found I Brake for Delmore Schwartz at the public library:
When I started reading the table of contents, I could feel my internal organs getting very happy. . . As I read on, I could not stop smiling. WHERE DID YOU COME FROM? I forced myself to read a chapter at a time so the experience I was having with your book was only because I couldn’t help myself. I apologize for what I am about to say, but I do not think you are crazy. I think I understand that you want to be and that’s OK, but maybe you just can’t bring yourself to realize that you are one of the funniest people on earth. This is true. Cannot thank you enough.
Affectionately,
An aspiring writer,
Anne Nelson
Well, that makes it all worthwhile, doesn’t it? I mean, hearing from readers like her – or like Vincent, last year. Hey, my work really touched somebody.
Who cares what I write on the bar exam when I get a fan letter like that?
I did laundry, packed, did 40 BarBri MBE questions (I got only 62% right, but that’s okay), and called Aunt Sydelle (her niece Rose invited her to New York, but Sydelle isn’t up to it now).
At 3:15 PM, a Yellow Taxi came to pick me up. I was at the airport very early, but I had to be “wanded” by the security agents and my shoes had to go through the X-ray machine.
At the gates, I bought the Sunday New York Post and read Liz Smith, Cindy Adams, Page Six, the trashy New York City news, and ads for P.C. Richards and Gristedes.
The plane left a little late, but the ride to Tampa (the plane was heading on to Los Angeles) wasn’t too bumpy despite the usual thunderstorms.
My luggage did not get lost, although I had trouble finding the motel.
Checkout time here is at 11 AM, and check-in time at the Hyatt Regency begins at 3 PM, but I’ll figure that out tomorrow.
It’s kind of nice to be here because it doesn’t feel like I’m here for the bar exam yet.
At Publix I got some stuff for breakfast tomorrow.
Monday, July 29, 2002
8 PM. I’m going to take an Ambien after I finish writing this, although I don’t have great hopes of sleeping tonight.
This hotel is filled with people about to take the bar exam, and you can almost feel the nervous tension in the air.
Last night I slept well enough, and this morning I had cereal, soy milk, and a banana in my motel room.
The room here at the Hyatt Regency is a lot nicer than the one at Howard Johnson’s, but I don’t have a refrigerator or microwave.
I woke up there at 8 AM and went out to Starbucks. But their iced tea tasted like powdered Lipton’s, so after an hour I went to Barnes & Noble.
While I was there, I had sort of diarrhea, so I left and returned to the motel, where I took diarrhea medicine, which I probably didn’t need.
After checking out of the Howard Johnson’s a few minutes before the 11 AM deadline, I decided to drive downtown to see the Hyatt and the Convention Center.
They’re not all that close; I probably should have stayed at the Marriott instead.
But when I drove by the Hyatt, I saw people with BarBri books alighting from cabs, and I decided to park my car at a meter across Tampa Street and see if I could check in.
The only “problem” I had was that they only had rooms with two double beds.
When I went to the concierge to arrange a wake-up call for 5:45 AM, there was this huge bouquet of flowers waiting for me.
It was signed, “Good luck on the bar exam from Janet, Pat, and the gang at NSU.” Wow.
I walked over to the Convention Center, although I really couldn’t get an idea of what the enormous room will be like when it’s filled with 3,000 test takers.
On the way back, I ran into Len, Erica’s FSU classmate, who was moving from the Hyatt to the Wyndham Harbor Isle because he booked his reservation on Priceline.com, and that’s what they gave him. I didn’t really understand.
By then, it was noon, so I took the car and went to a Wendy’s for a baked potato and then to Subway for a turkey sandwich.
After that, I stopped at the Publix that I went to last night and bought bottled water, medicine for a cold sore on my lip, bananas, apples, and two items I ate right away: pieces of Crenshaw melon and carrot sticks.
At that point, it was 2 PM, so I returned the car at the airport and got a cab back to the hotel.
After unpacking my stuff, I went out for a walk.
Unlike downtown Seattle with its nice shops and restaurants, downtown Tampa doesn’t really have anything but office buildings.
I got a horrible protein shake at a store, and for “dinner,” I just made do with what I had in my room.
I did order breakfast tomorrow and box lunches for the next two days. The lunches should be waiting for me when I get back here, although I won’t have much time between the morning and afternoon test sessions.
My acid reflux has been bothering me, so it will probably be worse over the next two days. God knows how I’m going to hold up tomorrow.
For the past four hours I’ve been listening to the radio and surfing cable TV channels.
I did review the Conviser Mini-Outline for Florida Crim Pro and Civ Pro, Family Law, Wills, and Corporations. Of course, it was just a cursory review.
I wanted to avoid the lobby, where examinees are congregating at the bar and coffee shop and restaurant.
I called my Yahoo voicemail, and there was a long message from Elihu.
To me, Elihu’s financial problems don’t sound too bad since he could pay off his debts right now with his retirement money.
Elihu should have never commingled his finances with those of Roger, who unwisely can’t say no to his no-good son.
In some ways Elihu was better off alone – at least financially.
Well, of course I wouldn’t have his problems because no one would ever want to pool his finances with mine.
And I wouldn’t even want to pool my liabilities with another guy’s, no matter how rich he was.
Although the stock market has roared back lately, people have lost a lot of money and may need to postpone retirement.
Of course, I’m not ever going to be able to retire; I’ll just have to die young.
It really is stupid that universities will not hire full-time faculty my age, but I can always find some kind of job, I guess.
This room is too cold, even though I keep raising the thermostat.
It’s going to be a long night, so I’d better take that Ambien now.
In two days, it will all be over.
Tuesday, July 30, 2002
7 PM. Today was about as stressful as I figured it would be, and I’m still exhausted and unsure how I will deal with tomorrow’s ordeal of the MBE.
I have no idea whether I passed “Part A,” the Florida portion of the bar exam.
I’m all keyed up and feeling somewhat queasy. My body misses its usual routines, like eating vegetables. I didn’t go out to dinner but made do with the food I had in my room.
At least I got a really good night’s sleep last night; it would be too much to expect the same tonight. I fell asleep early and woke up at least an hour before my 5:45 AM wake-up call.
Although room service delivered oatmeal and a banana at 6:45 AM, I’d already eaten dry oatmeal and grits in some milk I made by combining nonfat dry milk with water, and I had a banana.
I wore my old utility pants because I could hide food in the pockets (and I’ll probably wear them again tomorrow). I also wore my “lucky” University of New Mexico t-shirt that Mom gave me.
I got to the convention center before 8 AM, but there were already a lot of people there. They had us lined up for a very long time, in rows based on our last name.
For 20 minutes, I was in the wrong line, but somehow nobody objected when I moved over after realizing my mistake.
In exchange for our admission tickets, they gave us a photo badge, and we went in one by one through turnstiles.
I was badge and seat #000951; I think there were about 3,000 test-takers.
I saw a few people from Nova, but most of the test-takers, of course, were strangers to me.
We shared the table with one other person, and there was a place card and a fingerprint card on which we had to put our right index and middle fingers. and the test booklet was there, along with three blue books.
According to their digital countdown clocks, we started after 9 AM. I can say that Barbara Singer’s predictions were entirely wrong. First there was a Contracts question – a real shock – with a little Professional Conduct element.
The next question involved a mother who wanted to withhold necessary medical treatment for herself and for her son and to stage a rally at a public park near a hospital owned by the city. So that question was Florida and U.S. Constitutional Law with a little bit of Family Law.
The last question involved Property (but not landlord/tenant law, as Barbara had predicted).
My handwriting is bad, and I didn’t really make outlines. I don’t think I did that well, but the issues did seem to jump out at me.
I left about fifteen minutes before the end of the test. I couldn’t locate Nova’s room to get their boxed lunches, although I found the rooms that UF, FSU, Stetson, Miami, and Barry had.
So I ate the box lunch that the hotel had sent to my room. Although I didn’t eat the cookies or chips, I had the turkey and cheese sandwich and an apple, and I ate some of my own food as well.
Walking back to the Convention Center in the heat, I arrived in plenty of time, so I strolled the building’s terrace that overlooks the Hillsborough River and tried to center myself.
I know I didn’t do that well on the Florida multiple-choice. They did test Wills and not Business Entities, thank God, and I just guessed on a lot of the questions.
I don’t have the patience to sit there and wonder about the answer while second-guessing myself, so I was done in about two hours.
As one woman said to a friend outside, “It wouldn’t have helped if I spent more time trying to puzzle it out.”
Although I had a raging headache, eventually I managed to unwind and calm down. I read USA Today and listened to All Things Considered and took a few short walks.
I called Dad and spoke too much about the test, realizing as I did that I’d answered at least one question incorrectly.
I also called Teresa, leaving a message on her machine.
At least I’m through with the Florida portion of the test. Tomorrow will be more challenging, with harder questions and more reading involved.
I hope I can get through it. If I didn’t pass, I don’t want to go through this experience again.
Wednesday, July 31, 2002
9 PM. It’s over. I feel sort of numb, and I’m sure that other test-takers feel the same way.
“It’s like, I don’t have to study anymore,” someone said.
It’s been a long day, but I’m not really tired.
Last night the Ambien knocked me out, and when I woke up at 1:30 AM and started to get even a touch of anxiety, I took 0.25 mg Klonopin, which put me back asleep till 5:30 AM.
I wasn’t really nervous this morning. After breakfast and a shower, I went downstairs and got USA Today and read a little of it before I left.
I didn’t get to the Convention Center much before 8 AM, and I found David, who seemed to be doing okay.
He said he really couldn’t study much last night. We noted that Barbara Singer’s predictions were totally wrong.
In the end, I imagine most people forgot the strategies they learned in BarBri, PMBR, and other prep sessions and resorted to their old habits.
For example, I didn’t outline my essays, and I rarely looked to the call of the question first.
I don’t know if I passed. They told us the results will be on the internet on Tuesday, September 17.
I can wait. For me, it doesn’t mean much – except maybe getting a new job.
I can’t say the Multistate Bar Exam was grueling. I guessed on a lot of the questions, but in the morning I got out almost an hour early despite going to the bathroom twice.
(I sneaked in food I could eat while I was in a stall.)
I felt pretty good when I got back from the center and had my box lunch here. I read a little more of the newspaper and went over to City Plaza to get some nonfat frozen yogurt before returning for the afternoon session.
I decided to do the last 11 questions first – I don’t know what the point of that was, but it’s something David suggested. I soon probably got ahead of everyone, but I stayed about two and a half hours.
On a lot of the questions, I couldn’t decide between two choices, so let’s hope I guess more right than wrong.
I’ve heard that a kind of euphoria sets in as you get to the end of the bar exam, and maybe I felt a little of that.
Unlike yesterday, I didn’t have a headache today.
Oh, as I was leaving the morning exam and riding the escalator down, I saw Pat and Janet, and I hugged them, thanking them for the flowers.
“We just wanted to show you that we care,” Pat said.
I told them I’d see them again at Nova’s 6 PM reception.
Back in my room at 4 PM, I called Dad to tell him it was over, and I just talked to him again, having gotten back from the Wyndham Harbor Isle at 8:30 PM.
When I saw Pat this morning, she said that I looked like a kid, probably because I was wearing a t-shirt and shorts.
(They lied about the room being cold and noisy, and nobody was vomiting in the bathrooms, and I doubt anyone but the terminally incontinent was wearing Pampers or Depends.)
As I walked over to the Wyndham – I left my wallet at the hotel because downtown Tampa seems deserted and unsafe – Lou from FSU called out from an upstairs outdoor bar: “Hey, Richard, that test was a lot harder than PMBR!”
I didn’t think so, but it was nice to hear my name from someone who knew me.
Joe Harbaugh was the first person I saw at the reception, and I jokingly told him that he should take the bar exam; he said he had taken three already.
I got some crackers and cheese, but that was as far as I’d go in abandoning my usual abstemious behavior; otherwise, I ate fruit and drank bottled water.
I spoke to several of the students and the alumni and was about as sociable as I could be.
Chad was there, as was that older woman doctor and some other graduating students I know from BarBri.
Until this evening, I hadn’t realized that we’d been seated in alphabetical order during the exam; Scott Adams told me that.
Anyway, I did chat with Linda and Lisa and Janet a lot and got to know them better; I even learned that Pat is from Bayonne.
It’s all good to chat with people, and nobody discussed test questions. Last night I threw out my Conviser Mini-Review after I realized that I got two Wills questions wrong when I consulted it.
I walked out of the reception with Chad, who was going back to the Marriott and telling me about all the cute guys there.
It felt very good to be strolling in downtown Tampa. I don’t feel euphoria, just calm. For months I’ve been obsessed with the bar exam.
Scott said you learn a lot about yourself from the process. I once again learned that anticipation is much worse than reality; even if I did fail, I also am a lot stronger than I thought.
After all, a year ago I probably wouldn’t have been able to take the bar exam. Pat said I’d been “really good about all of this.”
In the end, I conquered my fear. If I had to take the bar exam again, I’d be less anxious because I now know what it’s like.
Downstairs, I got an extension of the checkout time from noon to 2 PM. My flight is at 5 PM, so I can relax in the morning.
Oddly, I probably won’t sleep as well tonight as I did the last two nights, but I don’t care. As I began this diary entry, “It’s over.”