A Writer’s Diary Entries From Mid-July, 2002
Sunday, July 14, 2002
9 PM. I didn’t sleep well last night; even Klonopin didn’t help.
This morning I was extraordinarily tired, but when I had iced tea and a refill at Barnes & Noble while I read most of today’s New York Times, the caffeine seemed to last me for the rest of the day.
Tonight, if I’m not asleep by 10:30 PM, I’m going to take an Ambien.
This turned out to be a surprisingly pleasant day. Despite the heat and humidity, I appreciated the rare summer sunshine.
It helped that I felt less stressed about the bar exam after Dr. Koncsol, like Teresa, gave me “permission” to leave my job. That somehow makes the bar exam less momentous – at least for now.
Consequently, I studied very little today. I did 100 Contracts questions in the second PMBR workbook, getting an amazing (for me) 63 right.
That’s been my overall score average for the six MBE subjects in the workbook, and of course that would be enough to pass the Multistate, although this batch of questions didn’t fairly represent the contents of each subject; for example, there were no mortgage questions in Property.
I also did Florida Crim Pro questions, but they’re not like the ones that will be on the Florida multiple-choice; they’re just a tool to help me learn the law, and of course I don’t know it at this point.
There’s not much time left to study, but hopefully I can do it efficiently. Dr. K said that after all my years as a student, I know how I study best, and so I shouldn’t worry about what other people are doing.
I’m almost a little concerned today because I don’t feel anxiety, but I’m so much better off. Besides, I’ll probably return to anxiety by tomorrow morning. I saw Stan on SW 30th Street and I was talking to him about the bar exam, as he’s seen me several times at the hotel.
I went to the office briefly to check my email, and during breaks from studying, I got a few groceries at Publix, gassed up the car, and after dinner, walked over to Walgreens.
At the drugstore I got ear plugs, supplements and a couple of other items as well as the Sunday Sun-Sentinel, which I just finished reading. My sciatica hurts, but not all that much. Although I didn’t exercise this weekend, I’m going to try to do so every day this week.
Aunt Sydelle went into the pool for the first time in months today and she enjoyed the water and talking to her friends.
Josh called to ask me for my advice about his will and making a trust for his son. He asked if he should give the kid the money when he’s 18, 21 or 25, and I said that was a personal decision, not a legal one. He also wants to make sure his brother gets some of his money.
Although his union’s lawyers will listen to his intentions and create a will for him, I told Josh he should hire a lawyer who specializes in wills and trusts to look at everything. After that, we talked for an hour about other things.
Tuesday, July 16, 2002
8:30 PM. I’ve just finished doing the Florida Criminal Procedure multiple choice questions in the Florida testing book.
Prior to that, I read over the Crim Pro handout, and this afternoon I read the handouts on Family Law, Corporations and Partnerships, and I did the Florida questions on Civ Pro, Florida Property and Professional Responsibility, which was the subject of this morning’s BarBri lecture, our last one.
When I came into the room, they were collecting the pink BarBri ID cards we’ve been wearing around our necks.
Tomorrow is that “Essay Plus” lecture I paid extra for, and BarBri called me to say it would begin at 10:30 AM, not at 9 AM
This morning I got up at 5 AM, and after exercising, breakfast, and a quick shower, I dressed and went to the office for about 45 minutes. Feeling really groggy, I had tea at work and then a Diet Coke during our break at BarBri.
Later in the afternoon, I saw Angela turning in the grades for her summer class, and she asked how I was.
“Fine,” I said.
“But aren’t you taking the bar exam?” she asked.
I told her that I was normally so anxious that I wasn’t feeling any more anxious about this than I usually do. That’s not quite true, but my feelings of anxiety after awakening were brief and easily controlled.
Somehow today didn’t seem as tedious as yesterday, probably because I did questions and didn’t simply “review.” If I studied four hours total today, that’s probably all I feel like I can do.
Coming home at 5 PM, I changed into shorts, a t-shirt and walking shoes, and after eating a Healthy Choice pot roast for dinner, I took a 20-minute walk. Twenty minutes was about all I could do in the sunny heat. Then I went to Barnes & Noble, where I just got some bottled water. I sat there for only 30 minutes as I did questions.
Two weeks from now the Florida portion of the bar exam will be over. Everyone seems to agree that the Florida multiple-choice questions are the most grueling part of the whole test. Well, I’m not thinking about it much.
Right at the moment, I’ve convinced myself that whatever happens is meant to be. If I fail, I’ve got an excuse to leave my job because I won’t go through this again when I have no desire to practice law.
I suppose it’s pretty foolish of me, after all these years, not to discard my dream of being a writer, but I know how I feel, and I feel I’ve got at least one book – which may or may not be the Brooklyn College stories – ahead of me.
My parents don’t support me in this, but they’ll have to accept my decision. What else can they do? I’m 51 years old. Mom and Dad may have been disappointed in me, but they never actively stood in my way of doing anything.
Yes, I know that my talent as a writer is limited. These diaries are proof of that.
Hey, I just realized that I’ll be finishing – what? – 33 years of diary-keeping on the night of July 31, when I will have completed the bar exam.
Whatever happens in Tampa, ob-la-di, ob-la-da, life goes on.
Sunday, July 21, 2002
8:30 PM. I just watched the end of the Chinese movie Red Firecracker, Green Firecracker. Chinese movies have helped me get through the last few months.
I awakened at 4 AM today. Before that I slept pretty well, with deep dreams and persistent erections (the kind I don’t get much when I’m awake). I took 0.25 mg Klonopin and listened to my relaxation tape and may have fallen back to sleep for 20 minutes or so.
I tried to keep my anxiety at bay today. It’s not easy, and it’s going to get harder over the next week and a half. While I don’t know how I’m going to get through this, I also know that I will.
An hour after exercising at 7:30 AM, I drove to the Barnes & Noble in Hollywood because I figured that the people in the Plantation store were tired of seeing my face. Yet I went there again in the mid-afternoon and skimmed a couple of books on coping with anxiety and panic.
This morning I finished the parts of the Arts and Leisure and Book Review sections of the Times that I hadn’t read last evening, and then, instead of studying the handouts I brought with me to the bookstore, I read Poets & Writers, which featured a big interview with a guy whose short story collection got a stunning notice in today’s Times Book Review.
I forgot the man’s name, but he’s a student at Yale Law School.
Hey, I know I’m not talented enough to get rave reviews or smart enough to have gone to Yale Law, but I’m me. I know that sounds idiotic, but I’m twenty years older than this writer, and I don’t know if his whole life will be charmed.
When I called up Dad to wish him a happy birthday and made sure not to complain.
“You read about people getting this old,” Dad said, “but you don’t believe it when it happens to you.”
I guess not. If I live as long as Dad has, which I doubt, I’ll be 76 in 25 years. God, I cannot imagine being 76. How would I look back at what I’m going through now – assuming I’m not totally out of it by then?
Well, I can look back 25 years. That would take me to 1977. What was I doing in the summer of 1977? I can’t remember. I guess I was living at home and writing and sending out my stories to little magazines. I was teaching at LIU in those years, from March 1975 till the summer of 1978.
Oh God, I’m not going to meander down Memory Boulevard because I’ll get run over by a drunken driver.
I did 50 MBE questions from the BarBri practice test, and I got around 30 correct. I also read the Civ Pro and Crim Pro handouts and my notes and went over the multiple-choice questions from the Florida Testing volume. I guess I did around four hours of studying today.
Mark Savage sent a long email. He’s having a good summer although his kids weren’t able to visit “for logistical and financial reasons, and I’m sure as hell not going to Israel at this time,” Maybe he’ll go next year, when he can see his latest grandchild who’s doing October.
Mark will have another sixth-grade class again in September, and he feels good about that. He and Janet went camping upstate, and at the end of August they’re going to London on Mark’s first visit to Europe.
Monday, July 22, 2002
3 PM. This is a really bad time. I came home from work because I’ve been so anxious all day. I’ve been awake since 4:30 AM, and I’ve been in a panic since then.
My car didn’t start, and the AAA took 90 minutes to get here, and then I had to wait because I bought a battery from them.
I feel so overwhelmed. I read all the Torts essays in the book, and I realize I don’t know this stuff and it terrifies me. Yet instead of studying more, I’m just frozen in fear. If I’m this much of a wreck now, how will I be a week from now? I’ll be paralyzed by fear.
Mom told me to take a Klonopin, and I took 0.25 mg, but it left me feeling both tired and still anxious, so I came home to lie down. Deep breath.
How come I was okay over the weekend? I mean, I was able to relax. I guess maybe I was in denial then. I don’t know.
I am squandering the time I need to study, and I need to study so much. The only other thing I did was 25 questions in the Florida multiple-choice tests at the back of the Florida Testing book.
I have a loose stomach and sweaty palms for the first time in weeks, if not months. I have that terrible sense of dread. How do I push through this? I feel the way I did at the worst moments at my apartment in Mesa. Oh, why did I take this job?
*
9 PM. I can’t imagine what I’ll be feeling like a week from now. At the moment, I’m tired. I just got off the phone with Mom. I did virtually nothing to prepare for the bar exam today. I just read a couple of Florida Con Law essays and the Florida Con Law handout and outline.
Right now – probably because it’s evening and I feel exhausted from so much anxiety during the day – I am starting to feel I can salvage this.
I made a grid of the Florida subjects I need to study for the Florida multiple-choice questions (Crim Pro, Civ Pro, Evidence, Wills, Corporations and Partnerships) and the subjects I need to study for the Florida essay portion (Torts, Professional Responsibility and Property).
I didn’t do any MBE questions today, but I can put them aside for now.
Two months ago, I was in the middle of the first PMBR workshop and I’d already been doing these questions for a while.
David called me tonight, and though he meant well, he made me even more nervous by saying that Barbara Epstein thinks they’ll be a Con Law essay on revenue and general bonds, which made me realize I’d forgotten the little I know about that subject.
Now that I’ve reviewed it, it’s clear in my mind, but there are a million subjects like that, and I basically got just four days. So it’s triage time.
I took another 0.25 mg Klonopin and went back to the office. Pat had returned from vacation, and it looked as if she was swamped with work as I passed her office.
But I didn’t really study. Instead, I read the Times online and wrote emails.
Sat Darshan said maybe we should have gotten married and lived in separate rooms: “Then we might be less neurotic, and I wouldn’t have to drive Ravinder crazy. But on second thought, two weak, sensitive people don’t help each other very much.”
Mom says, “Just forget about the bar exam already!”
Teresa wrote back before I wrote to her. Every day in Fire Island is a beach day, and she seems quite happy. She’s doing some catering again, and Stephanie is flying in on Wednesday.
I wish I were now on Long Island or in Arizona or the Ozarks – anywhere but here.
Will I learn anything from this summer? Will this experience help me grow as a person? Right now I see only the bad side of this. I’m surprised I held up so well before today.
Tuesday, July 23, 2002
8 PM. What a difference 24 hours makes. I feel so much more relaxed now. Undoubtedly I’ll find that my mood again changes to yesterday’s intense anxiety and despair, but it will probably change back to calm, too.
Yesterday I fell asleep early, thanks to exhaustion or the afternoon Klonopin, and I slept well, till about 4:30 AM, which was fine since I slept almost seven hours. I didn’t wake up with that feeling of terror, either.
At work at 8 AM, I brought with me the handouts and Conviser mini-outlines for Florida subjects like Corporations and Evidence. I skimmed them and did 50 more of the questions in the Florida testing book.
I still don’t understand Corporations, and my grasp of Partnerships and some of the Florida subjects isn’t very keen, either. but this evening I did 50 more BarBri MBE questions, and probably because a lot of them are repeats, I got 72 out of 100 right.
If I could only do that well a week from tomorrow, I would pass the bar exam even if I really screwed up the Florida portion. Well, I don’t have to think about it anymore because I’ll probably go crazy.
I just came back from Whole Foods, where I got some groceries, including some stuff to take to Tampa. Hopefully my stomach will be okay there.
This morning I left a form in Pat’s mailbox asking to take three vacation days: next Thursday and Friday and the following Monday. It will help to stay away from the office after I return from Tampa.
I’ll be gone from this Friday afternoon to Tuesday, August 6, and except for Seattle, that’s the longest I’ve been away. I’m going to need the time to veg out before I have so much work to do for the fall semester.
I got a hint of that at our orientation committee meeting from 10 AM until noon. Steve Friedland finally sent the latest version of his materials, and later in the day, Alicia, Thelma, Wayne and a few others spent hours editing it because it needed to be ready for the printer today.
The logistics of the three days of orientation are incredibly complex. They’re now having nine rather than ten faculty teams, so I, along with Lisa Smith-Butler will be there to step in for any faculty member who’s not able to come.
We will be doing so much that Wednesday, but Thursday and Friday will be packed with events as well. I guess that if I were an incoming student, I would feel overwhelmed, but of course they are not all “neurotic,” as Pat said I was. She told me that she knows I’m over-studying, “but I’m not going to change your habit of a lifetime.”
I actually could see myself enjoying being part of the team if I didn’t have the bar exam to worry about.
Teresa wrote: “I wish I could just say stop worrying so much and it could work, but it won’t. You are placing so much on this, and it’s only a test. If you fail, nothing will change – in fact it will make it easier to leave your job.”
Teresa also reminded me that I can leave the law school:
“Just stop studying, show up for the test feeling better than you did yesterday and wing it. You have nothing invested in your job, you are leaving one way or another. Paul is the same way; he angsts so much that either the outcome is never as bad as he suffered in the waiting process, or he misses a good thing. Either way, who needs the angst?”
She’s right, of course. But I can say that now, when I’m feeling normal. God, it would be nice to stay feeling like I do now forever. I feel a little bipolar because I actually feel very good right now. I replied to someone who posted after I did in the new Feeling Fears group on Yahoo.
Karen is 29, lives in Boston, and dropped out of college because of panic attacks. She’s better now, but she’s afraid to go back to school. I remember my school phobia – but I ended up becoming a college teacher.
Maybe one day I will end up like Steve Friedland, taking different states’ bar exams just for the hell of it. No, probably not.
Hey, I am a little bipolar tonight. Well, it helps make up for yesterday. If I could just stay on an even keel, that would be great.
Red Hen Press forwarded a note from a woman, Anne Nelson, who is trying to get in touch with me after reading I Brake for Delmore Schwartz.