A Writer’s Diary Entries From Early January, 2002
Wednesday, January 2, 2002
3:30 PM. I just came home during a raging thunderstorm. I’m going back to the office tonight to see two potential (I hope) teaching assistants, Megan and Yassir.
I sort of like my job, but I’m scared that I won’t be able to handle it. I’m not used to being in an office all day, and I guess it will take me time to adjust to that. There’s also the pressure aspect of my job; I’m not used to high-pressure situations.
When I awoke at 2 AM, I took 0.125 mg. Klonopin; I took another 0.125 mg. this morning. Clearly, some of my anxiety symptoms are returning. Whether this is just temporary until I adjust, I can’t know right now.
The trouble with anxiety is that it feeds on itself, and I also worry ad infinitum. Maybe next week, when I’m truly busy, I will actually feel better. When I am occupied, at least I’m not preoccupied with my mental state.
Well, we will see how this job works out. My contract is for the year, and if it doesn’t make me or the law school happy, I’ll try to find something else. I know that’s a bad way to look at it when I’ve barely begun to work at NSU Law, but I need to feel I’m not trapped.
Despite the occasional lousy weather day like today, South Florida still has the weather I feel most comfortable with.
I did get stuff accomplished at work today. I registered for new employee orientation on Monday, and that will basically take me out of the office all day. Although it’s not the best place to be on the first day of classes, the university has scheduled me for that date, and it may prove to be a relief.
I also went to Horvitz and got my NSU ID card with a smart chip. I got my Lexis and Westlaw passwords from Carol, who showed me how to access the services on the Web. I’m still not comfortable using them that way, as I prefer the DOS system commands I use when I telnet on my old University of Florida password.
I emailed all the professors of first-year classes who didn’t respond to my original email about teaching assistants for their sections, and I wrote to several students one professor suggested as possible TAs. I also wrote Mercy Moore about doing writing workshops this term.
Tracy told me that George Adelman kept emailing her even though her response said she was on vacation and not replying to email.
She said that to be classified as learning disabled, George would need to be tested for $200 at the psychology school and that he’d have a two-month wait for that. But the only accommodation they would make for him would be to give him more time on his exams and maybe a separate room, and I don’t know if that’s what George wants or expects. Tracy said the Florida Bar Exam doesn’t even give those accommodations for learning disabilities.
Michael Richmond said he’ll send about five or six Torts students he failed to me. For now I’m not sure exactly what I can do with them.
Chad Power, the Student Bar Association vice president I met at the interview, came by, and for forty minutes, he debriefed me on everything from ARP in particular to the culture of the law school in general.
Chad probably knows more about the school than anyone else. He really loves the place, of course, and said the teachers are generally good, though I got to hear about some of the professors’ quirks.
According to Chad, NSU Law is “a really nice little community.” To me, it certainly seems less stuck on itself than I found UF Law.
Right now my main problem is that I’m not used to being at a desk all day. Hopefully, I won’t have to be once I can get out and observe some ARP sessions and maybe some professors’ classes.
It appears that I’ll be doing a Saturday training session after the first or second week of the term. Chad said it’s basically been the same for the past two years, starting with an exercise in making a sailor’s knot, which demonstrates that people learn in different ways.
I feel a little guilty about leaving the office so early today, but anything I need to do, I can do later when I go back to school. I need to be patient with myself. This is a lot to adjust to.
If I need to go back on Klonopin for a while . . . well, I’ve quit several times and I can do it again when I no longer need the tranquilizer. I can’t let myself grow discouraged. Once I feel comfortable at work, I will feel a lot better about everything.
*
9:30 PM. Megan didn’t show up for our meeting, as she was stuck at work in Miami. She’s going to meet me tomorrow evening, when the other student who wanted to be Braccalarghi’s TA was supposed to show up.
That woman canceled, saying she’s too busy to work for ARP, as are all of the people Professor Rohr suggested for his Civ Pro ARP. Three of them didn’t want to do it, and the other three “stars” of his class have already transferred to other law schools.
Now Rohr doesn’t want a section of ARP for his class. So be it.
This evening I did meet with Yassir, who’s going to be the TA in Gilmore’s Property class even though the class meets during the day and he’s an evening student. We’ll try to schedule it for Mondays at 6 PM, but no rooms are currently available at the law school.
During a quiet moment this evening, I found the Social Security Death Benefits webpage, where I looked up my grandparents and various relatives.
I saw that Aunt Tillie died in 1995 at age 89 or 90. Alan Cooper, whose birthday I remembered because it was a year earlier than mine – June 4, 1952 – died in 1990. I found Blair Apperson there but not Brad Miller, and I found Sat Darshan’s parents, Teresa’s grandparents, and various other people.
Friday, January 4, 2002
7:30 PM. Last evening I met Megan, whom I’m sure will make a fine TA for whatever course and teacher she’ll be doing. Without my notes here, I’m a little bereft of details.
While we were talking, I let her friends, other evening students in ATLA, use my printer to print out copies of scripts for the trial they were doing. They were nice people. I can see NSU Law being a real community, and I feel glad when I think I might be a part of that.
Back home last night, I watched Survivor but again had a hard time getting to sleep, and I woke up at 3:20 AM. After taking Klonopin, I probably went back to sleep for a little while, as I lost track of the time, but I was tired and headachy today.
I expect I’ll continue to be plagued by insomnia over the next few weeks as the pressure builds. But at least I don’t have to do a lot of driving the way I did in Arizona.
This morning I met Hilary to talk about her bar exam prep program. She means well, but I agree with Jane that she’s probably not that effective. I went with her to the front desk at the atrium, where Jonathan, in Jessica’s absence, had us fill out forms requesting rooms on six Saturdays beginning January 19. (Hilary said that Pat used to do this for her.)
I spent the rest of the day trying to tentatively figure out when the ARP sessions would be, emailing TAs and potential TAs. I still need to get TAs for several first-year classes. Three professors – Rohr, Marty-Nelson and Burris – don’t want TAs.
Next week I’ll need to meet with some of the TA candidates, but on Monday, I’ll be at the new employee orientation all day; I confirmed that with Paula’s secretary Jo Ann. When I mentioned this to Fran Tetunic, she said Monday will be a crazy day anyway.
I emailed Pat, with copies to Mark and Jane, a “status report” on what I’ve been doing the last three weeks.
Yvette Picado, one of my old undergraduate Legal Studies students, saw me as she passed by the office and said hi. It seems that others in my undergrad classes during the 1999-2000 academic year are now in their first year of law school here. That’s another reason to think I may end up liking this job after all.
During my lunch hour, I finally straightened out my apartment mailbox problem; Fletch gave me a new key to the box that works. (The post office called and said to get a refund for my key that didn’t work, but I threw away the receipt.)
I got a week’s worth of mail, including my license plate, which is good since the temporary tag expires next week. Today was quite chilly and never got above 55° though it has been sunny. I still haven’t finished reading today’s paper.
After coming home at 4:30 PM, I exercised, and then, after dinner, I did my credit card payments for a couple of hours, calling up to change my address with various card providers. The whole process of shifting my address will take months, I fear.
I also got the single most vile piece of mail I’ve ever received: a Christmas card from the odious Crad Kilodney featured statements like “May the Israelis kill all the Palestinians.” “No more non-white immigration,” and other racist garbage.
A letter came along with the card, but I threw that away without reading it – just as I should have done with the card, which only disgusted and infuriated me.
Should I let this bother me so much? Well, it kills me that I was once friends with Crad. I should have seen his hatefulness then. Worse than being a failed writer, he’s a failed human being.
After reading Vincent’s novel, Patrick wrote that while he thought it was an interesting book, he never warmed up to Vincent’s protagonist and had trouble with the dialect. Of course, unlike Patrick, I read the novel knowing that Vincent had experienced it all, so I cared for his narrator because I saw Vincent there on the page.
Sat Darshan and I continued trying to list any advantages of being middle-aged, and we came up with a few today. She said she’s glad to be past the horrors of young love, and I said I’m a lot smarter and less naïve now. She also noted that “We have all these memories to think about when we’re bored.”
I wrote Elihu, telling him that Alan had died, and he wrote back immediately, regaling me with the story of how he and Roger tried to support Roger’s “trailer trash” son, his much older trampy wife, and the couple’s kid. Their money apparently went down the drain, spent on drinking, drugs, and pornography. Elihu says they’re doing it for Roger’s grandchild, but I think it probably would be cheaper and more effective if the two of them just took the kid and bypassed the parents.
This morning, not wanting to feel any drowsiness today, I took only half a Triavil. But I need to take a whole one now.
Tuesday, January 8, 2002
7:30 PM. Last night I was really stressed out. Although I did skim the New York Times and lightly exercised to Body Electric, afterwards I felt dizzy, had a backache (lower down than where I had it before, in the lumbar vertebrae that always gives me trouble), and felt anxious.
After watching Boston Public, I got into bed at 9 PM. An hour later, I took an Ambien but slept only for three hours and then felt anxious and wide-awake. I eventually took another Triavil and also Klonopin, but I was still up most of the night and felt weird this morning.
However, contrary to all expectations, I did not feel sleepy today and had a good day at work. I can see myself liking my job as I develop a sense of mastery. I’m doing interesting things, learning a lot, and interacting with people.
I went to see Billie Jo this morning after I got in and ordered the tape from ALS’s section on academic support for the problem student.
Billie Jo told me that as “quasi-faculty,” I should attend the 10 AM faculty get-together in the faculty lounge. Arriving late, I sat with Professor Richmond. We talked about law teaching, and he gave me an article he wrote for the Cumberland Law Review on teaching passive learners in what he called “the Sesame Street generation.”
Dean Harbaugh came in, and I listened to the conversation between him and other professors. Then Joe came over, grabbed me by the shoulder, and said, “Are you feeling overwhelmed? You should be.” That made me feel a lot better.
I feel I learned a great deal from a conversation with Paul Joseph and Gail Richmond about the online summer AAMPLE students’ performance in their first-semester courses.
I finally met Bill Adams, who everyone says is a great lawyer and teacher – he’s been openly gay for years – and I joined in a discussion with him, Angela Gilmore, Elena Marty-Nelson, and a few others.
The NSU Law faculty seem much more approachable than their counterparts at UF Law. While I don’t know if I’ll ever become friends with any of them, I’ve been made to feel a little like a colleague, and I find that I can keep up with their conversation. Over the past few years, I somehow managed to forget that I was smart.
Pat gave me the PLI bar review CD-ROMs, though I had to ask Steve in Computer Services how to actually play the videos. Although I was somewhat embarrassed, I did tell Steve about my experiences doing teacher training on the Apple IIe – which he said was the computer he used in elementary school.
I emailed a notice about Hilary’s bar review course to the third-year class, and I included info on the Alumni Association-sponsored lunch in the letter I plan to offer as my contribution to the mailing the law school is sending to our December graduates. Pat has called a meeting about this on Thursday at 3 PM.
Back in my office, I met Fitzgerald, a student Professor Goldman said got a D+ in Lawyering Skills and Values. A native Haitian Creole speaker, he has ESL problems. I told him that I’d grown up among Haitians in Brooklyn, and he said that at our next meeting he would bring me his papers to look over.
Then I spent an hour going over Richmond’s Torts exam with Tom, the engineer. I could see right away what Tom’s problems are. Although it’s been a decade since I took Torts, I could have probably written a passing answer to the exam.
When I watched some of the PLI videos on the Multistate Bar Exam, that came back to me as well. Although I’m not overly confident, I expect I can pass the bar exam if I work hard enough – and it almost looks like fun. Imagine how confident I’ll feel if I pass the bar exam.
Jane gave me some of the materials from old ARP tutorials, exactly the stuff I’ve been looking for. We’ll need to set up a training session in January, January 19. She also sent me this term’s schedule for Mercy Moore’s writing workshops that she got from Judy Karp, the LSV coordinator.
Jane said the Law School Admission Council Conference on Student Support is being held at the University of Washington on June 19-22, and the school will pay for my airfare to Seattle as well as for my hotel and meals.
So a lot of exciting things seem to be happening. I’m learning stuff like how to reserve a room for ARP sessions. The learning curve is steep, I fear, but I feel mentally challenged, and at least tonight, I feel excited about my job.
Last night Pete Cherches called. He was laid off from his job as a consultant with Equitable at the end of last year and plans to live on unemployment ($405 a week) and his savings for the next six months.
Pete will be coming to Florida at the end of January. His mother and stepfather sold their house (at a loss) and moved into Kings Point at Tamarac. Pete’s going to Long Beach, California, for a jazz festival next week.
Teresa wrote that Paul was not doing well. Even though the Paxil just seems to be making him more anxious, Leon won’t adjust the dose. Paul goes from being manic to being depressed, and he worries needlessly about everything.
Last night I called Marc to wish him a happy birthday. He’s been working about 60 hours a week as an assistant manager and is glad he doesn’t have the pressure of the manager’s job, which he probably could have taken.
He says dealing with Cricket customers is worse than it was at Verizon because Cricket mostly gets people who are not credit-worthy and constantly late on their payments.
Thursday, January 10, 2002
7:30 PM. There are going to be times – and this is one of them – when I wonder if I wouldn’t be better off in Apache Junction doing adjunct work, declaring bankruptcy, and deciding where to go next.
Right now my tooth that I had the root canal on is aching – according to Dr. B, the “good guys” are fighting the “bad guys” – and I have a huge zit on my forehead that feels like a cyst even though I popped it quite nicely.
I guess I’m stressed out, mostly because of talking to Steve Friedland, whose book on teaching law I began reading today. Steve sees my mission as “creating a transformative program” that would “promote excellent class performance” from NSU Law students.
For what seemed like an hour and probably was, Steve exhorted me with all these ideas I have no idea how to implement. In theory, I support what he’s talking about (when I can understand it) – but I’m not sure it will work, and anyway, it just seems like too much work.
If his idea of my job is what I signed up for, I didn’t know it. Steve is a visionary and a revolutionary, and he’s also a little full of himself the way all visionaries are. He comes off as a bit manic, tossing out one idea after another.
Indeed, if I wanted to make sure I wouldn’t be working at Nova for very long, I would try to implement all of Steve’s ideas. If I appear to be dismissing them out of hand, it’s not that he’s wrong, and I think that some of his ideas are workable.
And it’s certainly not that I want to protect my phony baloney job, as in Blazing Saddles.
But Steve Friedland isn’t the boss of me; Pat Jason is my supervisor, and right now she wants me to concentrate on helping the December graduates pass the bar exam, as she made clear during our meeting at 3 PM.
Steve wouldn’t even give me the date, time, and place for his bar review session, which is the one thing Pat wanted me to get from him.
So in the letter to the December grads, I’ll just say I’ll inform them about Steve’s session later by email, or they can call me. It’s typical that visionaries like Steve aren’t concerned with details.
Anyway, I’m both too old and too tired of being anxious to let all these conflicting notions about my job bother me. At 50, it’s about time I learned that I can’t please everyone, and I can leave (Freudian slip) live with Steve Friedland’s disapproval.
Steve seems to see my role not as the director of an academic support program but as the leader of some institute to improve legal education.
You know, those faculty get-togethers aren’t as interesting as I thought they would be. Instead, there’s a lot of discussion about sports. Hey, if I wanted to hear a lot about football, I could work at Cricket with Marc.
Okay, I understand that the law professors are just making small talk, but they could tell I wasn’t interested. Either Phyllis or Gail said, “So, Richard, I guess you’re not into sports.”
I told them the last sporting event I attended was the 1971 Mets opener at Shea Stadium, and that I left in the fourth inning when it started to snow. (Something of a lie, but it sounded good – and I’m nothing if not a fiction writer.)
I didn’t sleep well again last night – or maybe six hours is all the sleep I can expect these nights. I got into work at 9 AM and left after seeing Steve at 6:15 PM, but I don’t really mind the long hours.
During the day I saw some confirmed and potential ARP teaching assistants, worked on my letter to the December grads, made some appointments with students whose teachers sent them to me (Steve says I “shouldn’t be tutoring ten students but working with hundreds of them”), and sent emails to Sat Darshan and Teresa.
I managed to skim the New York Times, and at lunch break, I went to the public library and picked up my on-hold copy of Bard Cole’s story collection, Briefly Told Lives.
I am very glad that tomorrow is Friday. I see the law professors and deans have real lives, going to football games and even women’s basketball games, and I am going to have a real life as well.
Look: this job will either work out or it won’t. It got me back to South Florida, where it’s warming up and is the place I want to be.
I’ll give it the year, and if I’m not happy at the end of my one-year contract or they’re not happy with me, we can go our separate ways and I can do something else.
Right now I just want to numb my mind with Survivor: Africa. I’ll take my third Triavil and some aspirin and do some stretching.
Am I better off than I was a year ago? Absolutely.
I’m not going to get that anxious again because I don’t have the time, energy, or patience to deal with it.
I’m tougher now: a 50-year-old guy with wrinkles and zits.