Tuesday, November 12, 1991
4 PM. I’m home now because the others in the study group went to a BarBri lecture, which is fine with me.
I’m not really studying properly, as I’m spending too much time reading the texts. Collier told us not to read some of the stuff for his class that I already read, but I’m glad I read Brandeis and Warren’s “The Right to Privacy.”
It’s hard not to get caught up in the desperation about finals and the mania over grades. But I don’t see any logical reason why I need to do any better than just pass. Sure, I won’t be proud of my transcript, but since I don’t plan to clerk or put on a suit, I don’t need grades to impress anyone.
I’m not paying much for this education, and it’s first-rate. All I want to do is get through this first year and pass. Next year I’ll be in the journalism school (Dr. Dodd is out of town this week; I’ve got to call her, about the assistantship, next week) and things will be different.
I should be doing more hypos and outlines, but I can’t seem to get motivated. Perhaps my priorities are screwed up. My real worry is that I’ll get less than a C, but I don’t know how realistic that fear is.
During my morning breaks, I read ahead in my Torts casebook and briefed the 
I was disappointed with the comments on my legal memo, but Scott said I’ll definitely pass. I could probably get an S+ if I work really hard, he said, but it’s just not worth it to me.
I don’t want to be a TA like him. They used to get paid, but now all they get is a three-credit A, and they have to pay the tuition for it. That’s a part of all the budget cuts.
They let go half of the six Legal Research and Writing and Appellate Advocacy teachers; next year’s classes will be taught in large lecture sections. I guess I’m lucky I got here before the budget cuts hit hard.
Torts, Contracts and Jurisprudence were all pretty interesting today. This evening I plan to read the paper, listen to the news, and work if I feel like it. I guess this isn’t a good attitude, huh?
Or maybe it is: learning for learning’s sake. Discussing the Langdellian case method of legal education in Collier’s class, some of the second-year (transfer) students said it doesn’t work and that you’re better off for finals if you just read Emanuel’s and Gilbert’s and learn black-letter law.
But that stuff seems easy to me; the fun is in the analytical puzzling it out.
It’s cold in the mornings but warms up by mid-afternoon. Two more church fires occurred in the last two days.
Wednesday, November 13, 1991
Last evening, I felt a bit restless. I called Mikey and probably bored him with my talk about law school although I’m sure he understands the phenomenon. He got a conviction in his big trial and says he will “happily coast on that until the end of the year.”
Because of New York state budget cuts, everyone at his agency has to take ten days off without leave; however, there’s talk of a long-term budget agreement that might make it easier for Cuomo to run for President.
Mikey said he doubted I’d be a C student, that law school exams aren’t all that different from other exams – but we shall see.
A lot of what I learned in Torts and Civil Procedure gave me a deeper understanding of what was going on, but that just made me more dismayed at the outcome of the case and the extent to which lawyers will go in order to “zealously” defend their client and make miserable the lives of people who aren’t even really involved.
In this case, the biggest loser seemed to a woman psychiatrist who tried to help the abused patient while the psychiatrist-abuser came out smelling like a rose – legally, anyway, and in terms of his private and professional life.
Students seem to be reacting oddly to the pressure of the end of the term. In Torts it seemed obvious people hadn’t done the reading – one guy passed – and there was a terrible moment when Lawrence called out, “Is this the attendance sheet?” referring to a pro-choice petition some student had passed around. “I just wasn’t sure how much of an activist our teacher is.”
Dowd lost her train of thought and glared at him icily. At the end of class, she asked to speak with him, and afterwards Karin saw Martin – the most active Democrat in the class – consoling Lawrence, saying he was sure it wouldn’t affect 
I probably over-prepared for Contracts on the chance I’d be called on, but I wasn’t. There are four more classes, however. This afternoon I’ve got Jurisprudence and Marty’s workshop.
– – That was the door. UPS brought me a package from Mom: two pairs of pants and two pairs of shorts from Introspect (I’ll have to have them shortened and tapered) and the Miami Book Fair supplement to the Herald. Well, I’d better get moving along.
*
7 PM. I returned to school and sat outside with Dwight, Emira, Greg and Steve H. It had gotten warmer out and those fifteen minutes sitting in the sun relaxing with 
Jurisprudence was fine; Collier canceled tomorrow’s class and said we’d make it up at a review session in two weeks. So that ends my plan to cut that class tomorrow.
I went with Karin, Emira, Dan and about a dozen others to Marty’s test-taking strategy workshop and picked up some helpful information. I’ve got to take practice exams; that’s the best way to prepare.
Thursday, November 14, 1991
5 PM. Yesterday I was thrilled to see the rave reviews of Cape Fear in the Times and USA Today. Dad said the movie got panned in the Herald, but Scorsese is a genius, and I’m sure Wesley’s screenplay is excellent.
I admit that last night, when I read the Herald supplement for the Miami Book Fair and saw the names of the scores of writers who’ll be appearing there, I felt resentful that I was never considered worthy enough of being asked to appear at the fair in the place where I’d lived and worked.
But a little resentment can be toxic, and about a minute after I felt self-pity, I thought of Melville and all those talented gay guys my age whose obituaries I find 
Maybe there’s a metaphor buried somewhere in there, but my head hurts too much from trying to understand the Celotex opinions on summary judgment to do much with it.
Last evening I spoke with Teresa. She’s living sans answering machine, at a Fair Harbor house overlooking the bay. There are only about a dozen people left in the town at this time of year, but she says it doesn’t feel that isolated, that her place in Oyster Bay was also isolated.
Apart from a few parties and her catering for the U.S. Mission to the UN, Teresa also gave a successful talk about preparing Thanksgiving dinner to the elderly ladies at 
She drives off and on Fire Island with her new car, which Brian’s mother also uses in exchange for her permit. Teresa sounded pretty cheerful.
I’m a bit sleep-deprived, but I got through my classes today: first, our final Legal Research and Writing lecture, at which Pat gave us instructions for the final draft, due on Monday, and then Criminal Law.
Back home for lunch, I spent an hour revising the first part of my memo. Before returning to campus, I dropped off the Moby Dick tape at the public library after detouring around the downtown street that was blocked off for the satellite dish trucks from Orlando and Tampa TV stations’ news departments.
In an interesting Civ Pro class, Mashburn clarified summary judgment – somewhat – and it was a pleasure that Jurisprudence was canceled.
Shay complimented me on my black turtleneck, saying I looked good in black. “Thanks,” I said. “I fit in really well in New York.”
Mashburn explained why they make our schedules to be such a long day at school: it’s not coincidence but ABA guidelines on what constitutes the number of hours and days we have to be on campus.
When I got home, I did aerobics and read the paper and I’ve just taken a shower.
Friday, November 15, 1991
9 PM. Even though this was a four-day week, it felt longer. Tomorrow I’m trapped in my apartment because the Gators are playing an afternoon game where they can win the SEC championship outright (they’re already assured of a tie), so it will be 
Last evening and this morning I worked on revising my memo, and now I just have to do a little more revising and then edit the hardcopy I printed out at school today. I have less reading than usual, so actually I shouldn’t be too bad off, and I can start preparing for finals.
The Torts practice exam was at 4:15 PM, and Dowd – who’d brought along her cute little daughter – gave us an hour and 15 minutes to answer one question with three parts.
Most people chose to take the test at home, but I liked being in the uncomfortable position of seeing what a final exam is really like. The only preparation I did was reading an outline the hour before, and I found that I could spot more than enough issues.
“Well, at least I know I would have passed,” was my reaction. My paper was badly organized and atrociously written, but I just spewed out all the things I could think of and had time to name.
I could have gone on for hours, but the point of law school exams is that you can’t possibly spot all the issues in such a short time.
The double session of Crim Law and my struggles to understand summary judgment in Civ Pro made the day a full one, but I feel productive and bit less anxious about finals.
Saturday, November 16, 1991
Still, David Duke will win a majority of the white vote, and racists and anti-Semites are becoming respectable again. People look for scapegoats in hard times.
A more pleasant public event is happening outside right now. Car horns are honking in celebration, and people are dancing, shouting, drinking and throwing up. The Gators beat Kentucky and are SEC champs.
As I expected, I’m trapped in my apartment, but I did go out at 12:30 PM and walked to McDonald’s on 13th Street. It was like being in Manhattan as hordes of football fans walked past me on University Avenue, carrying Gator seat cushions and Gator lunch 
Ticket scalpers were doing a brisk business, and I saw people with stuffed (real) alligator heads on a stick and kids with their faces painted orange and blue.
Today was a warm, sunny day, and I enjoyed being outside. Later I could hear the shouts from the stadium as the game progressed, and lots of cheers after the win at 4:30 PM. Right now it’s like New Year’s Eve out there.
I spent the morning working on the final draft of my memo. It was a struggle, once I’d done it, to change the margins and eliminate unnecessary words so the paper met the 1
This afternoon I did this week’s reading for Contracts, Torts and Civil Procedure – and for Civ Pro, that’s all I have to read for the term. Maybe I can take care of the other two courses before the end of the weekend.
I found time to work out, and after McDonald’s, I walked up to Mother Earth and bought some groceries and supplements. Then I walked back home via 5th Avenue.
I felt I looked pretty good today, in my shorts and gray Introspect T-shirt (a new one). I’ve been cutting down my calorie intake and I’ve discovered if I don’t eat at night unless I feel real hunger, I can stop gaining weight.
Sunday, November 17, 1991
I thought I’d go see Cape Fear today – it’s at the Oaks Mall – but somehow I couldn’t get to the 2 PM show, and I didn’t go to the one starting now because I need to eat dinner and because I have a bad sore throat. It’s probably not a cold, just postnasal drip from my sinuses.
I’ve read all my assignments for the rest of the semester except for Torts. I just finished Contracts while sitting at a bench at the law school; I needed to get out and get some 
Rob came over and we talked briefly for the first time. He’s one of my classmates on whom I’ve had an intermittent crush.
Yesterday I had one of those emissions of prostate fluid after I urinated. It seems to happen when I build up a backlog of semen. I immediately masturbated and had an enormous ejaculation. I guess I still need to have orgasms every few days, but I tend to forget.
Forget? How can a guy forget his sexual needs? Well, when you’re as repressed and screwed up as I am, it’s easy.
But you know me: yes, I say, if I weren’t so busy with law school, I’d do it.
Partly that’s true. Next year I’ll be happy to have a social life – maybe even a sex life. I’m 40 but I look pretty good. I just don’t know how to deal with relationships any more.
Part of it is lack of practice. And I don’t mean sex: like riding a bicycle, you never forget that and it all comes back quickly. But my social skills – aside from friendship – are rusty. Still, I’m sure I can remember how to act like a human being again.
Last week was hard work, and this week might not be as bad. It’s the last full week of 
The questions I want to ask our teachers don’t turn on the material we need to know for our finals, but on speculation about how this issue relates to that one, etc. Naturally I keep silent.
I feel that nobody would understand if I just came out and said I was here for personal enrichment, as if I were taking an adult ed class.
Last night I read the last two issues of the Times Book Review and felt enriched by that. I’ve been in that literary world, a little anyway, and even if my own writing is artless and clumsy and nobody’s interested in what I have to say, I feel a part of that world.
One Sunday another book of mine will eventually be reviewed there; I’m pretty sure of that. Of course it will probably be panned.
Tuesday, November 19, 1991
It turns out I did exactly what she said not to do: I poured out everything I knew about law, whether it was relevant to the question or not, and I totally “missed the issue” on one question.
I really screwed up, but a lot of other people had similar experiences, I think, and Dowd said that she herself did the same thing on her practice finals when she was in law school the first semester.
To me, the key is doing as many practice exams as I can between now and when I have to take the final. I need to learn how to take a law school exam, because it isn’t a natural skill.
Anyway, it’s probably good to have this jolt now. The half of the class who didn’t take the practice exam or didn’t stay after class today might get the jolt only after they see their final grades.
Maybe I should think about making a few sacrifices over the next month. Now that I’ve done most of my reading, I should have more time to take practice exams. The problem is I’m so tired when I get home.
Even now, I’m tired although I slept seven hours last night. I guess my problem is that unlike my classmates, I don’t have fear as a great motivator.
Would I really rather have a 2.0 index and avoid doing the necessary work to raise my grades? Well, I can do a Learned Hand BPL-type analysis. Is the burden of studying greater than the foreseeability of the harm and the magnitude of the risk?
Either way, I have to accept responsibility for my actions. There’s no appellate court in my head I can go to when I feel lousy after seeing my final grades next January.
Maybe the same isn’t true with my careers as a writer or a teacher. I don’t really like to compete. Darin asked me who I thought “the real competition” would be and I hate to even think in those terms.
But the pressure to feel pressure is intense these days, and it’s contagious. Am I an asshole to be interested in the study of law merely for its own sake? Should I be committing more of my identity into being a law student? Why?
Today is the first day in the past several weeks that I’ve worn shorts to school.
Wednesday, November 20, 1991
4 PM. A week from now, classes will be over, and two weeks from now, I’ll be taking my first final exam. I’ve just come from Marty’s workshop on relaxation and panic reduction, which helped me.
After school yesterday, I did manage to work out a few Civil Procedure hypos, and I’m going to figure out a way to study to get the grades I can live with.
Right now I tell myself if I can get one B and two C+’s and two C’s, I’ll be satisfied. Naturally I can’t tell anyone I feel I’ve already gotten an A+ on my own self-evaluation.
Of course, I’m too easy on myself.
Classes are winding down, and I see people xeroxing frantically or discussing this or that in a kind of panic. It’s very difficult to stay centered.
I guess our study group has fallen apart, and basically that’s okay with me; neither Karin nor Dan nor Emira brings up getting together.
I started to make a Contracts outline from my notes, but I expect I’ll rely more on the outlines I got from former students. Like others, I am starting to dream about cases. I hate getting obsessed with law school.
I was glad to see Cape Fear did great at the box office.
*
10 PM. I took Davis’s practice exam and did pretty badly, judging by his comments 
Still, I’m learning.
I’m glad it’s turned warm enough to wear shorts again; I was afraid Gainesville was going to be really cold, but since the weekend, temperatures have been mild.
Thursday, November 21, 1991
4:30 PM. Up very early, I read the Times. I see that Lucille Falcone, who’s Bob Miller’s law partner (I was invited to a party thanking campaign contributors at Bob and Estelle’s Brooklyn home) is raising money for her Friends of Mario Cuomo group.
Lucille, a women’s rights advocate, was a friend of Larry, my former BCC student who moved to New York.
After I worked out and had breakfast, I decided to put in a full day at school after all, and I’m glad. Nunn’s class on the insanity defense and Collier’s class on Lochner v. New York (the 1905 Supreme Court case finding a labor law limiting workers’ hours to be unconstitutional) were stimulating discussions in which I participated.
It occurred to me that I hadn’t seen Wil in a while, and I asked Doug K about him. “He dropped out,” Doug said. “He said he was too immature for law school.” Hell, I’m too immature, too, but I’m still here. Wil was one of those quiet types you rarely see in any group; they’re the ones I worry about.
Todd is also like that, a little. We’re not meeting as a study group anymore, but Todd seems cut off from everyone. I may be a “turkey” in that I talk a lot in class, but I think we’re better off than the quiet loners.
The non-talkers who are otherwise involved in law school or who are in groups – people l
Kathy, Judy and Nancy, for example, rarely talk, but I bet they do fine on their exams. All three of them were dressed up for their lunch with Dean Lewis today, the one they won at the auction.
I saw them after they returned from the restaurant. They said Dean Lewis was very nice and chatted about the school and the budget cuts, which are dreadful but which none of us have control over.
The only saving grace the Dean found in the budget cuts was that all the other states are in similar fiscal pickles, so the quality of public higher education is going down everywhere.
Lots of people are picking up my theme that the next 2½ years are going to be a good 
Kathy worried that the economy will still be bad when she graduates, and I said, “If it is, you’ll have a lot of company, and the country will have worse problems than out-of-work lawyers.”
Taking out the garbage a little while ago, I found the elderly black homeless lady going through our dumpster. I needed to get by her, so I said, “Excuse me” as politely as I could.
She froze, and I felt bad. So many people treat her and the other homeless like an object, a non-person. Now I regret that I didn’t offer her some money.
Earlier I deposited a $500 Visa cash advance check in my NCNB account. I have no alternative right now because I have no money coming in.
Since I did the Civ Pro practice final today, I’m not going to write out another test tonight, 
Mashburn will probably send me into a panic when I find out tomorrow that I completely missed the whole question. Actually, it was worth ten points on her three-hour exam, but she gave us 45 minutes, and I barely finished.
It’s another warm, sunny day, but winter weather will replace summer over the weekend. I need to buy some heavier clothes, not just for Christmas in New York, but for here: gloves, long underwear, and maybe a heavier jacket.
The first year students might have a party after our last final on Monday, December 16. I’m already looking forward to next term. Even though Baldwin is a tyrant, I’m interested in Constitutional Law; I dread Property and Professor Julin, however.
It will be nice to have Mashburn, Dowd and Davis next term again, and having Torts and Civ Pro only twice a week should make it easier – unless we do the same amount of work in two-thirds the time.