Someone With a Pen: Richard Grayson’s Diary

Tuesday, December 4, 2001

4 PM. It’s been an unseasonably cold, chilly and very rainy day. I’ve just come from depositing a lot of checks into the bank: my last full unemployment check (I have $30 remaining), Dad’s check for $3,000 for the car, and a credit card cash advance check – for a total of about $4,000.

Hopefully, that will be enough money to buy a car next week in Florida.

Last night I watched TV (something I’ve got to get out of the habit of doing) and got into “bed” at 9:30 PM. I slept deeply, having sexual dreams – but I woke up at 2:30 AM and was still up an hour later.

So I took 0.25 mg. Klonopin, and for the first time I managed to fall back asleep for a little while at least, waking up again just before 6 AM. The current temperature is only 53°, so it’s a nasty day, and the rain was coming down hard this morning.

I brought over two boxes to be shipped to Davie, and then I changed the oil in the car. In the lube shop waiting room, I spoke with this guy who was an aerospace engineer for Motorola. Before coming to Phoenix, he lived in the San Fernando Valley and in Tampa.

Now he’s moving back to northeastern Oklahoma, right near the northwestern part of Arkansas that I know. He told me that his grandparents were from Hardy, Arkansas, just like Vincent’s Lady J.

Hardy is a touchstone in Vincent’s life. I’m pretty sure Bill’s family is from there, and I suspect that Bill may even be the character Frank in Vincent’s novel.

It’s nice that in the last four and a half years since leaving Gainesville, I’ve spent so much of the time in different parts of the country.

While I’ve definitely lived above my means, I’ve experienced a lot of America. That’s not bad for an agoraphobic, though in the near future, I’ll probably be sticking pretty close to South Florida.

When the car’s oil change was done, I drove to Walgreens and got my refills of Ambien (very expensive) and Klonopin. Then I went to Taco Bell, where I sipped iced tea until I started trembling with chills.

Later in the day, I went out only twice: to get some hot Calm tea at Starbucks and to deposit those checks.

I still need to talk to Sat Darshan about my taking over the table for Gurudaya, and there are three boxes of books and papers that I have to take to the post office.

I changed my reservations at Extended Stay America in Plantation to two nights, and I helped Mom pack another box.

After lunch, sleepiness overcame me, and although I felt well-rested, I just needed to lie down for a while.

Right now Dad and my brothers are out, and Mom is talking ceaselessly to China.

It’s becoming clear to me that Mom is moving over the line from merely eccentric to something different. I think she’s only going to deteriorate. Already, the Miss Havisham symptoms are increasingly evident.

Teresa emailed that last night Paul went to the vet and had Hattie put to sleep.

He was very upset when he came home, but Teresa said that he slept more soundly than he had in months. I imagine Teresa must feel relieved.

I’ve been somewhat bored today. I guess that it’s good for me to have this downtime, as it will be very busy once I get to Florida.

It’s scary, starting a new life, especially when my confidence level is so low. It will take time to recover my confidence, if I ever do.

When I worked full-time as an English instructor at Broward Community College, a staff attorney at CGR, and a visiting legal studies professor at Nova Southeastern University, I felt pretty good about myself. I hope the same thing occurs at NSU Law.

Long before that, I felt like a confident student in grad school and law school. But last year at ASU, when I had my nervous breakdown or whatever it was, my ego sort of shattered.

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Saturday, December 8, 2001

5:30 PM. I’m basically all packed, but I’ll put more stuff in tomorrow morning. For once, my flight isn’t at the crack of dawn but at 1 PM, so we’ll probably leave here around 10 AM.

If the plane is on time, we should get into Fort Lauderdale at 7:30 PM, though it could be two hours later by the time we get all the luggage, rent a car, and get to the motel in Plantation. (Of course, it will feel two hours earlier to us.)

I’m not used to flying with a companion; I think I flew once with Dad before, when I first moved to Florida from New York in January 1981.

In many ways, that was an easier move since I was going to stay with my parents to start. I don’t recall if I felt anxious or simply relieved to be getting out of New York in winter after a difficult fifteen months of living in Rockaway on my own.

I’m surprised that my current level of anxiety isn’t higher.

Last evening I felt positively calm as I watched The Matrix here in Marc’s room, and I slept pretty well.

Not only did I fall back asleep after waking up at 2:30 AM, but I took 0.125 mg. Klonopin at 4:30 AM when I began to have that pit-of-the-stomach anxiety. After that, I managed to drop off into a final dream and wake up at 6 AM.

So why don’t I feel the expected level of anxiety?

It might be because I know I’m doing the right thing in taking the job at NSU Law and returning to South Florida.

It could also be that my generalized anxiety disorder has run its course and that I’m returning to a state of equilibrium and my usual cheerful pessimism.

Or maybe I still have the anxiety but can deal with it better.

Both yesterday and today I didn’t feel the need for an afternoon Triavil, and yesterday I took my third Triavil only at midnight.

This morning I drove into Phoenix to bring the table to Sat Darshan and to visit with her and Kiran, who hugged my leg as soon as I stepped into their house.

I guess what I’ll miss most about Arizona is seeing them.

Kiran has become very attached to me. With Ravinder gone most of the time, she doesn’t see any other man. She has Sat Darshan and Gurudaya and her aunt Nirankar and half-brother Trevor, but no adult male.

Kiran wanted me to come to the zoo with them, and maybe I should have gone, but I felt I had a lot to do back in Apache Junction. I did stay till 11 AM, playing with Kiran and chatting with Sat Darshan.

She seems happy in her job at the Hospice of the Valley. After almost two months, she’s mastered nearly all the permutations of the intake process.

Although working one weekend a month isn’t fun, she does like having that Wednesday and Thursday off.

And while she doesn’t have her own office, she likes the company, where she’s constantly kept busy.

Even if I stayed in Arizona, because she’s on the phone constantly, Sat Darshan would no longer have the time to chat with me for long periods during the day as she did when she worked at the real estate office. She doesn’t even have a lot of time to email now.

But Hospice of the Valley has about 700 employees. Eventually she could move to another department like finance or human resources, where she wouldn’t have to work weekends and wouldn’t need to be tethered to the phone.

Sat Darshan will also get a 401(k) there, something she didn’t have before. She told me she’s investing in the second most aggressive fund “because at my age, I can’t afford to do anything else.”

I hugged her and Kiran goodbye and said goodbye to Kiran’s stick horse, which she can ride and which makes clippity-clop and neighing sounds when she squeezes its left ear.

Gurudaya wasn’t there, so Sat Darshan gave me a $30 check for the table.

I drove home via the familiar I-10 to Loop 202, into Loop 101, and then onto the Superstition Freeway.

At Gilbert Road, I got off and went to Wendy’s, where I read the Saturday Times. Back home, there was a little tension with Mom as I discarded some of the excess packaging she’d put in my luggage.

I don’t know what will happen with my parents and brothers, but I’m better off at a distance from them.

While I’m sure there will be times in Florida when I wish I had the comforts of family nearby, I’ll manage somehow.

Jonathan brought home a new bunny today.

This time tomorrow I should be back in the humid air of South Florida.

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Sunday, December 9, 2001

10 PM. Dad is on the phone with his sister. We’re in room 134 of the Extended Stay America in Plantation.

Although I slept only five hours last night, it was enough. I wasn’t nervous today and read nearly all the Sunday New York Times online and watched The Beach on Cinemax.

This morning I was up at 4 AM. Marc drove us to the airport at 10:30 AM, and we had about two and a half hours to wait.

I’ve been flying alone most of my life, but it was okay flying with Dad. The middle seat between us was empty. The flight was a little over four hours and rather boring; I watched a wretched movie, Rat Race, and then just sat back with my eyes closed.

This morning I was up at 4 AM. Marc drove us to the airport at 10:30 AM, and we had about two and a half hours to wait.

I’ve been flying alone most of my life, but it was okay flying with Dad. The middle seat between us was empty. The flight was a little over four hours and rather boring; I watched a wretched movie, Rat Race, and then just sat back with my eyes closed.

We could feel the humidity once we walked off the plane. My glasses fog up when I leave air conditioning, but it’s about 75° even though it’s evening. I’m happy to be home.

Our motel room is a studio with one bed, not the greatest accommodation, but it will be alright for a couple of nights.

We went out to dinner at Applebee’s, and afterwards I got some stuff for breakfast at Albertsons.

My main priorities of the next week are to get myself settled into the apartment and to buy a car. But there’s just so much to do.

I have to buy a lot of crap for the place. I guess if I didn’t have to get a car, I’d be able to handle this alone.

Being with a 75-year-old man is a bit strange, but Dad will be a big help, and he’s also glad to get away, even if China is having a hard time dealing with his absence.

I know I’m thrilled not to have to deal with my mother face-to-face. I get that anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach mostly when I think about getting it. So I can definitely control my anxiety level by changing my thoughts.

While I don’t know how I’m going to get everything done here, I know that it will happen. As for my job, I can wait until the end of the week to deal with that.

I got a nice “Bon Voyage/Welcome” email from Teresa this morning.

Now that I think about it, I do recall another time Dad and I flew together: on the flight from JFK to Miami for Christmas 1969 when we joined Mom and my brothers, Uncle Marty and his family, and Cousin Scott at the old Carillon Hotel.

I was 18 then, and Dad was 43. That was only a trip for the holidays, but a year before that, I had been totally agoraphobic.

Miami seemed magical in the depths of winter. It seems that South Florida has always brought me relief this time of year.

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Monday, December 10, 2001

8 PM. I’m totally exhausted, so much so that I can barely spell exhausted. My feet really hurt, and of course two years ago I badly aggravated my tendonitis and plantar fasciitis by moving to the last second-floor apartment I had at Cameron Cove.

It’s been a strain. That has been helpful, but it’s hard for us to be together all day. Luckily, I did sleep well last night. In fact, it was probably the best sleep I have had in weeks. Maybe I knew I would be needing that rest. Or perhaps it’s the time change and just sheer exhaustion.

That says I snore terribly, and I’ve never thought of myself as a heavy snorer. It’s not very romantic, and it makes me feel like an old man.

Leaving the motel at 8:15 AM, we went to Kmart, where I got a microwave, a nightstand that has to be put together, and other stuff.

Then, at the Cameron Cove leasing office, Connie went through all my papers, and I signed or initialed them. My rent is only $770 a month; I had thought it would be almost $100 more than that.

One problem is that only four of the ten packages I sent have arrived; the first three I sent haven’t gotten here. My fear, of course, is that they are lost. I’ll have to call FedEx if they don’t show up in a day or two.

Felix, with the maintenance man, needs to replace a kitchen cabinet tomorrow. This afternoon he fixed my mailbox, which had no cover, so that my mail (just something from Southern Bell telling me how to activate my voicemail) was completely out in the open.

Dad and I drove up to University Drive and Oakland Park Boulevard, where we ended up buying a futon at Mattress King. It should be delivered tomorrow; we’ve got to call in the morning to see what time it will come.

JCPenney said the bed should come between 4 PM and 8 PM. I guess if I don’t have either bed to sleep on, one or both of us can sleep on the floor, as we’re checking out of this motel in the morning.

Across University Drive from the mattress store, we went to Walmart, where I bought sheets, pillows, a 13-inch TV/VCR combo, and lots of other stuff.

Then we had pizza for lunch, eating at Cozzoli’s in the mall.

Back at the apartment, Dad made calls about a car, but most people were working and either didn’t call back or got confused because my voicemail messages were not yet recorded.

We did go to see a ’95 Chevy Cavalier in Pembroke Pines, but it drove horribly, and I’d never buy it.

I went to Walgreens, another Kmart, and Target, where I bought those white molded resin chairs, a torch lamp, a clip-on lamp, a TV table that also needs to be assembled, paper supplies, and so much else.

By the time we brought in the last few things, I felt exhausted. My feet really hurt. Instead of going out for dinner, we went to Albertsons, and Dad got a salad bar and bagels and spread. He and I came back here to the motel at 7 PM.

I’m pretty sure today was one of the most stressful days I’ve experienced, and if I don’t get sick, I’ll be lucky. Of course, I did not read the paper today, nor did I go on a computer. (My notebook computer was delivered today.)

The only email I got that wasn’t junk was from Tom, who had a great time in Paris with Annette. He disliked Mulholland Drive and loved Curse of the Jade Scorpion, which confirms my belief that Tom’s taste in films is in some ways the opposite of mine.

The other email I got was from Nate Tipton, the Memphis State film student who reviewed Vincent’s novel for the Lambda Book Report. He said he got the copy of The Silicon Valley Diet I sent him.

I can’t think about the job at NSU Law right now, but that is the main reason I’m here, and it should be my first priority.

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Tuesday, December 11, 2001

9 PM. This is my first night in my new apartment. I definitely feel I’m getting a cold, so I’m mainlining zinc lozenges the way I did a few weeks ago in New York, but I don’t think I can ward off a full-blown cold this time.

Between all the stress I’ve been under and the sick people on the plane whose air I was breathing in, it’s not surprising that I feel I’m getting ill. I just hope Dad doesn’t catch it.

The good news is that I accomplished so much today.

The main thing is I bought a car. It’s a black, two-door sport coupe, a 1997 Chevy Cavalier with 71,000 miles. We got it for $4,000, including sales tax, from a dealer who we first mistook for just a car owner.

He showed us the car at the Texaco station on Oakland Park Boulevard and NW 27th Street. It drove pretty well, and it was immaculate, so we decided to buy it soon afterward.

After I withdrew $4,000 in cash from my account at a Bank of America branch, we went back to the dealer’s house, where he did all the paperwork.

I’ve got a temporary tag; the permanent one should come in a few weeks. The title should arrive from Tallahassee in about a month.

Dad and I went over to Tom Martinez, the State Farm agent, and tomorrow I’ll go over and pay him for my car and renter’s insurance. Although I’ve never had renter’s insurance before, it’s a good idea, and I get a discounted auto policy.

I also get a discount for being over 50, which is the first perk of that I’ve ever received.

Last night Dad fell asleep early, but I needed to take a Klonopin; later, he was up from 2 AM to 5 AM while I was asleep.

We left the Extended Stay America at 8:30 AM and came here to the apartment.

FedEx called. They had three packages for us that they said they brought over last week. We missed them when we were out at 4:30 PM, but Dad will stay here tomorrow.

Pat Jason left a message with Cameron Cove, and I talked to her. Due to a family situation, she’ll be out of the office Thursday and Friday, but I’ll come in tomorrow to talk with her, although first I’ll call her in the morning.

The futon was delivered, and the guys who brought it assembled it around 11 AM. Felix and another maintenance man were here to do repairs at the same time, and the phone kept ringing, so it felt like a scene from a TV sitcom.

I managed to put together the TV table with that hammer and Phillips screwdriver I bought, but Felix put together my night table. (Later I gave him $25 when I saw him; it’s always smart to tip the maintenance guy.)

The futon looks great as a couch, and the TV/VCR combo works, although the reception is awful, so I may have to get cable TV.

The voicemail on my phone is working, though the calls have been only car sellers that Dad had spoken to earlier before we bought the Chevy.

Mom said that by mistake, the bedding sets she ordered came to their house instead of here, so after they delivered the bed at 4 PM, we needed to go out to buy sheets, pillowcases, and mattress pads.

We did that at Bed Bath and Beyond after seeing the insurance guy and going out to dinner at Applebee’s.

Later, we went to Publix, where I spent another $100 in addition to what I’d spent on bedding, groceries, drugs, and random stuff like a measuring cup.

As Dad told Mom, Marc. and the Littmans in phone calls tonight, we’ve gone through so much money here it’s not funny. I did pay six credit card bills, and I see I’ll have to keep the chassis going for as long as I can.

Libby called, and it was great to hear her voice. She wanted to see how things were going. Everything is fine in Los Angeles. The kids are finished with school for three weeks as of Friday, and they’re all excited.

Today was another warm, sunny day in South Florida. Mom said the high in Phoenix was 53° today, and they’re freezing. I think I’m where I want to be. It’s so beautiful here, and people seem friendlier. We met Jewish and Italian and New York/New Jersey-type people, the kinds of people you never see in Arizona.

Dad said it’s nice to see a lot of black people again, and I like hearing Haitian and West Indian accents. The apartment looks almost lived-in by now.

Three months ago today was the terrorist attack. Before that, I had my phone interview with Pat, Jane and Billie Jo. A month ago, on November 11, I was in New York with Teresa and Pam.

I feel I’m back where I belong. It’s going to take a lot to get me to move again, as I am prepared to stay in South Florida for the rest of my life. I don’t really want to leave Nova or this apartment.