A Writer’s Diary Entries From Late March, 2001
Wednesday, March 21, 2001
7 PM. I’ve been waiting for the Klonopin and Triavil to kick in before writing this because I’m shaky, but I’m also exhausted although I slept soundly for about nine hours last night. It was probably just “crashing,” and I shouldn’t expect another night like that, but who knows?
At 6:30 AM, worried that the car wouldn’t start again, I went out to start it – and it didn’t start. Yesterday I drove it only to Mesa Community College and back.
This morning I called Joe from Americab directly at the number he gave me. He drove to ASU like a maniac, and I was only about five minutes late.
I agreed to meet him when I got out of my second class at 10:40 AM, but then I had to go with him to Phoenix, near Sat Darshan’s house, to pick up a couple to live near me. So I didn’t get home till 11:30 AM.
Of course, the car started up when I returned. I took it to Sears at the Fiesta Mall after lunch and they charged me $10 as I waited an hour, drinking cranberry juice cocktail and grading papers at Borders, only to be told that the battery checked out fine. So it’s probably something serious with the engine, electrical system, or whatever.
On the advice of the Sears guys, I bought some fuel injection cleaner at AutoZone, but I can’t use it until the tank is nearly empty, and it’s almost full now.
Tomorrow morning, if the car doesn’t start, I’ll just walk over to MCC and maybe Dad will come over and I’ll take it someplace where I’ll be charged a fortune. Already I’ve spent $60 on cab rides and $10 at Sears, and nothing’s fixed. How I hate that car!
But while I’m still very anxious – my palms are sweaty now – I feel that something has changed.
First of all, it hit 90° today, way over our normal high of 76°. It feels like summer, not spring.
And in three weeks and a day, I’m going to New York for a week and I can put ASU, MCC, Arizona and all that’s bad here out of my mind temporarily – although I know I’ll probably have symptoms on Long Island, too.
In some ways I feel I haven’t improved at all, yet at ASU today, when I discussed research paper topics, my own biases and other crap, I was funny and lively as a teacher.
Talking to Greg Glau, I got an unsolicited invitation to return next fall, and he also said he’d write me a recommendation letter if I emailed him my CV, which I did from my office computer. But I don’t know if I’ll have Greg’s recommendation in time for my interview at NCC.
I graded all the ASU papers I got today, and I returned the ones I got on Monday, way ahead of schedule. I guess I’m becoming more productive.
Yesterday I even installed new air conditioning filters in my apartment. I also mailed NCC my transcripts from Brooklyn College, the College of Staten Island, the University of Florida and Teachers College (I couldn’t find the ones from FAU and FIU), explaining that I will send letters of recommendation to them soon.
Considering that I’m not at my best because of generalized anxiety disorder and depression, I’ve done a lot of shit. I survived seven months of difficult times in Arizona, and I’m not a total basket case.
Somehow I found time to exercise and talk to Sat Darshan. (Kiran’s visa did arrive, though the airline tickets probably won’t come until Monday; Sat Darshan cold is better.)
I wrote a lot for the cognitive self-monitoring forms that Susan gave me and I did my daily worry record for the week.
Mark Bernstein wrote that he got back from Italy to Ohio to learn from his wife that his mother had died peacefully in her sleep the week before.
He couldn’t write much more, and my response, I’m sure, was lame – but at least it was heartfelt. As I did for Sat Darshan’s father and Josh’s mother, I’ll say a little atheist’s prayer for Mrs. Bernstein tonight.
I got a message from Dairy Hollow, saying they’ve penciled me in to come to Eureka Springs for September.
Teresa wrote a long letter which I haven’t had time to answer, and I also heard from Miriam after I wrote her about her Albuquerque Journal article on middle age insomnia.
I’m still feeling tense. My hands are sweaty, and I’m employing the towel I normally use to cover the page I’m writing on so I don’t sweat on it as it teething ring.
During the night, whenever I’m biting my blanket – especially when I put my legs in the lotus position – I know I’m anxious.
This has been a long day, and as much as I slept last night, it wasn’t enough. But there’s still a kind of pleasure that I’m taking in life.
At the moment, my circuits are too overloaded to do any more worrying. I’ll lie down without expecting to fall asleep so early.
Whether I sleep well or not at all, I’ll face tomorrow and I guess I will handle whatever comes.
Thursday, March 22, 2001
7:30 PM. Today was stressful. So what else is new?
The car wouldn’t start this morning, but after I walked home from my MCC class, it started, so I took it over to the place in Gilbert on Baseline Road off Mesa Drive recommended by the Sears people.
These guys have a computerized machine, which said the car has an electrical problem in one or more of the sensors. I left it there, and they didn’t get back to me today.
I called Enterprise on Gilbert Road and they sent someone to pick me up, so I’ve rented a reliable car for the morning drive to ASU. After that, the week is over.
But I felt horrible much of the day. Although I slept pretty well last night, it wasn’t enough because I got up at 4 AM.
I did low impact aerobics before breakfast and then was not in the least surprised that the car wouldn’t start.
The walk to MCC was, of course, no big deal especially on a warm day when it hit 90°.
I had bad dry mouth again, but it’s not as bad now as it is in the mornings. Unfortunately I missed a call a little while ago from Dr. Brubaker about my meds. I’d wanted to talk to him after my 1 PM appointment with Susan.
She said she expected me to feel worse this week because once spring break ended, I’d be back at jobs I didn’t like.
Susan feels that my career situation is probably largely responsible for what she called the second “flareup” of my anxiety. Once again, she assured me that I’d be better eventually.
But Susan also said that Mom is right: I need to be patient, especially because as an adult – unlike when I was 17 – I have to deal with bills, my jobs, the car, an apartment, and all the stresses of adult life.
As a kid, it was appropriate for me to stay at home and do nothing when I felt those panic attacks, but at 50, it’s not.
Part of me would like to return to being a kid, and I felt really down on myself today. As usual, I started to feel better after my therapy session.
But then I finally read (as opposed to listening to) my email, and I saw that Sat Darshan sent a webpage dealing with benzodiazepines and their addictiveness, side effects and other horribles.
This was enough to set me to worry, and it also made me angry enough to leave a message on her office machine and to reply by email: “Thank you for adding to my stress.”
Sat Darshan meant well, but my doctors seem to think my use of Ativan and Klonopin are appropriate.
I understand that at this point I must be addicted to them and that I’ll have to taper off, but the alternative could be that I wouldn’t be able to function. Again, Susan echoed Mom in saying I just need to be more patient about getting better.
Susan also looked over my weekly record of anxiety, depression and pleasure and my “worry record” sheets, where I cognitively dispute the automatic thoughts triggered by an event – for example, the webpage Sat Darshan sent.
I know that my concentration is off, but it also was off last October before I was on any drugs, and I know that I also have balance and memory problems.
It’s hard for me to read full New York Times articles, but mostly because I don’t have the patience to do so. Given my compulsiveness, that might be a good thing.
This week I’ve handled this car situation by myself, without Dad, Marc or Jonathan intervening. And I actually seemed to have had pretty good classes this week despite all the anxiety in my life.
They seemed lively to me, though that I told Susan I’m not sure what my students thought. “Who cares what your students think?” was her reply.
Like Teresa, Susan leases her car and said I should do the same.
Mark Bernstein wrote about the pain of losing his mother, which will take him a long time to get over. I’m lucky I have healthy, supportive parents and also basically decent relationships with my brothers.
I’ll get over Sat Darshan’s sending me that webpage. She’s so messed up herself, with all her problems and conflicts with Nirankar, Ravinder and Gurudaya.
I can understand why Gurudaya wants to live at home and still see her twice-divorced Mormon cop boyfriend. But I can also understand Sat Darshan’s position. However, she may not see that she’s very much like her mother, who couldn’t accept her own relationship with Helmut back in the 1970s.
As Mom said, Sat Darshan isn’t the most stable person in the world. She’s had a couple of bad marriages, and sending Gurudaya and Gurujot away to India was odd, as was adopting Kiran when Kiran’s aunt and half-brother were her tenants living just across the street and Kiran’s mother could always come back, the way she did last weekend.
I hope Sat Darshan finds some peace in India. I’ll speak to her tomorrow, of course, or before she leaves.
I forgive her for sending me that webpage. But addiction is a tradeoff I need to make in order to achieve some stability and freedom from panic and anxiety.
I’m just very sensitive about using the benzodiazepines. Well, fuhgeddaboudit for now.
Our local CBS affiliate runs March Madness basketball games instead of Survivor on Thursday nights.
Tuesday, March 27, 2001
2:30 PM. I just drove my new Geo Prizm (1995, 97,000 miles, dark red) back from Apache Junction. The car is actually in Jonathan’s name, and I guess he’ll end up with the car if and when I leave Arizona.
So basically I got a new car pretty quickly: Dad and my brothers liked the first one they saw, which was owned by an elderly Kansas couple who bought it in ’98 for $8,200 and put only 4,000 miles on it.
Right now I’m having one of my inexplicable attacks of nerves, but that’s the nature of generalized anxiety disorder.
Although I’d told my students they won’t get their papers back this week, I feel obligated to return them by Thursday or Friday, and I don’t want to deal with them over the weekend. I guess I have about 23 papers total.
I haven’t heard from Professor Giner regarding withdrawal from the Internet class, so I guess I’ll see him during his office hours tomorrow afternoon.
The mail I picked up in Apache Junction included an envelope from Nassau Community College, which included confirmation of the interview along with a visitor parking decal and driving instructions.
I still can’t believe I’ll be able to go to the interview on Long Island when I’m barely able to function at home. Of course, part of the stress I’m under right now is anxiety about the trip to New York.
Last night I fell asleep soon after Boston Public came on at 7 PM. I slept pretty much through the night till about 4:30 or 5 AM.
This morning I had my MCC students write on their proposed topics for the research paper and on the videos and stories we looked at during the semester.
After class, I went to the post office to mail two copies of Lincoln’s Doctor’s Dog to Backinprint.com at the iUniverse plant in Nebraska. Yesterday Mom had called me and read me the letter from the Authors Guild confirming that the book was accepted for the program.
After I exercised to a Body Electric video, I took a shower and changed into more comfortable clothes.
At about 11:30 AM, I met Dad at the Enterprise location in East Mesa, where I returned the rental car; already at the weekly rate, I didn’t see a need to keep it any longer.
We went to the Wendy’s across the street for lunch and then drove to Bashas’ and Walmart, where I got air freshener for the car, which had been owned by a smoker.
It rides well, and I know Jonathan really likes it. The $4,200 I gave Dad covers the price of the car, so he’ll just keep the money in his Wells Fargo CD. To pay the guy yesterday, he took cash from his Bank One account in Scottsdale.
I guess I’m now feeling weird for a lot of reasons. If the Nassau Community College interview weren’t coming up, I know that I would have less to worry and obsess about.
This morning my dry mouth really bothered me, but now it seems okay. My heartbeat was 96 when I tested it at Walmart, but my blood pressure was fine.
I guess I feel as if I’m no longer on an antidepressant now since I’ve learned that the Triavil dosage I’m taking supposedly is too low to be therapeutic. Of course, along with Klonopin and the occasional Ativan, maybe it will be enough for me.
I don’t feel depressed.
The other night I took about seven depression screening tests on the Internet, and maybe it was the way I answered the questions, but I didn’t show up as classically depressed on any of them.
I guess I just wish I knew more about generalized anxiety disorder and understood why what Susan calls this “flareup” won’t go away.
Actually, that last comment sounds stupid. Nerves in my brain are firing off. I’ve taken Triavil for two weeks now, but that’s not really enough time for it to kick in.
Mom showed me an ad for a place that does clinical trials and are looking for people who suffer from anxiety and depression and who have failed on SSRIs.
I emailed them, and a few hours later I got a message from a woman recruiter. I guess there’s no harm to speaking to her.
I miss Sat Darshan now that she’s in India. Along with Mom, she was my first line of support and she’s gone at a time when I really need her.
Still I’m certainly glad she’s away from her own stressful life in Arizona, and I hope she can get some emotional distance from what’s going on here and find some peace in India.
This morning I felt fine at school. It’s just that these symptoms of jitteriness creep up so sneakily. Susan and her husband will be away next week, so with Sat Darshan also gone, I feel I’ve lost a lot of my support network.
I’ll go to Apache Junction for the weekend and can stay in Marc’s room when he’ll be in Flagstaff.
I haven’t looked at today’s New York Times yet. I know I’m obsessive about reading it, but I still haven’t figured out why I obsess so much about so many different things.
I can control some of it, even without the meds. But I think the Paxil and Serzone probably did control the obsessiveness a bit. And maybe if it ever starts working, the Triavil will help as well.
I really need to talk about the trip to New York. In Apache Junction, Mom showed me the shirt and tie she picked out for the interview – so where I got this obsessive, anxious behavior is easily answered.
On the other hand, like Mom and her mother, I prepare for things early, and that can sometimes be very helpful.
Teresa left a message saying I should call her. She told me that she lost enough money from the crooked financial planners “to buy condos for you and Pam to live in.”
I can call her in the morning. On Sunday, we’ll be three hours behind Eastern Time when most of the U.S. switches to Daylight Savings.
Wednesday, March 28, 2001
7:30 PM. Yesterday afternoon I got messages from both Josh and from Timmy in Murfreesboro, but I’ve owed Timmy a call for a really long time, so he was my priority.
I spoke to him for half an hour. He’s a cute bright kid with lots of potential, and no, I’m not just saying that because he seems like my type.
Timmy’s on spring break and he seems to be doing well psychologically, but he’s a bit unfocused; still, he’s creative, and I think, ambitious.
I slept okay last night – not great, but I had a decent night’s sleep after an early nightmare in which I was trying to drive a car while I was blind.
But with the tapes, I managed to fall asleep pretty quickly every time I awakened.
(In another dream, I was in Rockaway, in the elevator in Grandma Ethel’s building, but the elevator car went sideways – not an uncommon dream, and a pretty obvious sign that I feel I’m not progressing.)
I really like the Geo Prizm and enjoyed driving it to school and back. It’s summerlike now, so I can wear just a short-sleeved shirt under a sweatshirt.
My 7:40 AM class was funny – like a scene out of Fast Times at Ridgemont High. But Ray Walston is dead, and while I enjoy these kids, I don’t want to deal with them anymore. I see they need more structure from me, like the kind of thing I did on their last assignment.
I graded six of the 15 papers handed in on Friday by the 9:40 AM students, and these guys really can’t think clearly.
Do I want to spend my time reading such bad writing and fuzzy logic and vague generalities? I think I may be lucky not to get the full-time job at Nassau Community College.
I emailed Teresa, who’s in car-buying hell, and Patrick, who said he just talked to a group of high schoolers, none of whom want to come to Broward Community College.
Patrick said that Fred had been very upset after a falling-out with the people at the Stonewall Library and Archives, but they seem to have made it all up in the last couple of days.
I asked Patrick to say hello to Fred for me. I was thinking about him yesterday, when the Sun-Sentinel ran an online article on the Stonewall Library’s new home.
I’ve been following the census figures every day when they come out. Yesterday I spent a lot of time on the Web looking at the data released for Florida and Arizona.
Florida’s Hispanics are much more diverse than just Cubans, and Hispanics now outnumber blacks and live all over the state and not just in South Florida.
Broward County has become very Hispanic – although Arizona is even more Hispanic (almost a third of the population here) than Florida.
After my second class at ASU, I tried to find the new registrar’s site to get a restricted withdrawal form, but Professor Giner never emailed me back. (He was supposed to have our midterm grades by today, too.)
So I’ve decided to stay in the class and take my chances with Pre-Columbian Theater of the Americas. It might do me some good to get my first F (or E) in a class. Who cares?
Back home after ASU, I worked out lightly, as I’m still sore from Tae Bo and my own boxing on Monday, and then I listen to NPR.
A maintenance worker came into the apartment and put in a new towel rack.
After lunch, I suddenly felt very sleepy, but I forced myself to stay awake and read the paper. Then I went out after I getting a $200 refund check from JCPenney in the mail. Apparently I have two accounts with them and sent a check to the account that I hadn’t used.
Because there’s such a mess at Dobson and Baseline due to road work, today I went to the big BankAmerica skyscraper (well, for Mesa) on Southern and Alma School.
Afterwards, I had a baked potato and finished the Times at the Wendy’s on Country Club. That’s when I felt anxiety for the first time today. And once again, it seemed like it was for no reason.
I spent a long time making a resume for a position I saw advertised at ASU for an “academic professional” to teach legal research and writing at the law school.
I use the Web to get addresses and phone numbers of references like David Bodney and Betty Taylor. I don’t expect to be interviewed for the job even though I cut out nearly all the fiction writer and English teacher stuff and concentrated on my legal experience.
Now that I’m 50, I’m probably up against some age discrimination, but I needed to create a “law résumé” anyway.
Like my father, I’m proud and don’t want to take just any job. But then, I teach composition at Mesa Community College, don’t I? Well, today I tried to think of it as semi-volunteer work.
I spent so long online that I forgot to eat dinner or take my meds. I lowered the Klonopin dosage to 1.25 mg. and kept the Triavil 2/10 at a tablet and a half. (My mouth was dry earlier, but I have plenty of saliva now.)
We’ll see if I’m up all night again, but I doubt it. If I am, I’ll talk to Susan about getting some sleeping medication when I see her at 1 PM tomorrow.
No, I didn’t grade anymore papers. The students will just have to wait. Applying for the law school position is a lot more important to me, as is relaxing.
Josh and I had a back-and-forth on email. I wrongly assumed he was calling to get info on the stuff he sent me, which I put in an envelope and mailed to Sat Darshan for when she gets back from India. Instead, he just wanted to find out how I was feeling.
Although I told Josh that I was afraid I wasn’t up to the trip to New York, I’m beginning to think that maybe I’m getting better.
I haven’t had that flatulence since Saturday, my headaches went away when I stopped taking Serzone, and now when I awaken at night I’m back to having the really stiff erections I used to get before SSRIs.
I am feeling less dopey these days, and it hadn’t occurred to me to take Ativan when I felt anxious this afternoon. And I don’t think I trembled much or had sweaty palms.
Today was actually a pretty good day, the best I’ve had in a while.
I’ve been skimming Credit Card Nation, which had been on hold for me at the public library. The book is basically my life story.
It’s illness and unemployment (and underemployment) – not conspicuous consumption – that cause most people to go overboard on credit card debt, and that’s what will lead me to my second bankruptcy in the near future.