A Writer’s Diary Entries From Early March, 2001

Monday, March 5, 2001

3 PM. This, I hope, is as bad as it might get – but who knows? I was up nearly all night, though I tried to distract myself. I had the shakes and sweats and some obsessive thoughts I tried to dispel.

I finally had some luck getting a little sleep between 3:30 AM and 6 AM, but I have felt terrible all day and I still do.

My 7:40 AM class was a struggle; I tried to go over the textbook and we were discussing ethos, and one girl said that although she thought I was smart, it was obvious that I didn’t care about the class, And of course I’ve been obsessing about that for a while.

On the other hand, I just spoke to Stephen Tsang, who’s been in the hospital with asthma for ten days. I told him not to worry, to think about his health first, and that as long as he eventually got in all or most of his papers by the end of the term, I wouldn’t penalize him the way the English Department supposedly requires me to do.

So while I’m a bad teacher for some students, I know that for others, I am a better teacher than those who care a great deal about the subject matter but are very strict about departmental rules.

Besides, some of my students don’t care, either. So I can stop obsessing about this. As I told Stephen, nothing is more important than your health.

After my first class, I went to see Dr. Seagle at the student health center and told her my back is better. She examined me and said that it’s still very stiff. I said that my deteriorating mental health is probably worsening my back pain.

Dr. Seagle said that was discouraging, but that it was good that I was going to see my regular primary care doctor today to get his help.

Because I had to let my second class out early, I told them about my generalized anxiety disorder and depression and even my panic disorder and explained that I needed to see my doctor in North Phoenix.

In both classes, I returned papers and took their topics for their next essay, for which they have freedom to choose their own topics. (Is that another sign that I don’t care?) On Wednesday and Friday, we’ll have peer review and conferences.

I started getting a panic attack driving on Loop 202 and finally got off of the Squaw Peak Parkway at Indian School, taking the streets the rest of the way to Dr. Brubaker’s office.

I got there at 10:40 AM, fifty minutes early, and I didn’t get to see him till half an hour after my appointment time because he was running late.

He’s kind of mystified at what’s happening and isn’t sure what to do next. Another atypical antidepressant, like Effexor, would probably do even worse than Serzone at getting me to sleep.

We may have to wean me off Serzone so he could next probably try something like Triavil again, a tricyclic antidepressant/antipsychotic.

Dr. Brubaker asked me if I see things that aren’t there or hear voices, and I said no, but sometimes when I’m very tired, I misperceive things or just mess up.

He said we can keep going up on Klonopin and that might help. He told me to take 1.5 mg. at night and .5 mg. in the morning, and then maybe add another .5 mg. in the morning after a while. He seemed pretty certain they could relieve my crippling anxiety symptoms, the ones that prevent me from functioning.

I guess I couldn’t expect any more from our session. Dr. B told me to keep the dose of Serzone steady and try going up to 400 mg. and see if the visual side effects come back. If they do, then I should go back to 300 mg., as I did last time.

When I told him the anxiety has never really gone away, he said that’s what my therapy with his wife is supposed to be helping with. I said I just feel so exhausted from not sleeping and from the anxiety.

When I asked Dr. B about what was going on in my brain, he said it’s the neurons going sort of crazy, creating these false “fight-or-flight” symptoms.

I said that I didn’t think I was under such bad stress or that I wanted to avoid getting better or that I wanted attention – at least not enough to cause all of these horrible symptoms.

Yes, there’s some kind of conflict, but deep down, I want to heal myself although I see now that may take months or maybe years. I don’t mind being on drugs for the rest of my life as long as I feel well enough to function.

After looking at my back, Dr. B said I should do stretching and some light exercise and it would probably feel at least somewhat better.

Driving home, I had anxiety but I managed without getting a full-blown panic attack. At least I don’t have to worry, as I did, about getting to his office again for a while because he said we could talk on the phone about further adjusting or changing my medication.

I thought I’d feel sleepy when I got home, if only from exhaustion, but I now I see that’s not happening.

Wednesday, March 7, 2001

4 PM. I’m still a nervous wreck. I fell asleep early listening to one of my new tapes, but when I awoke at 3 AM and put on the light I had those motion trails in my vision again. It seems I can’t take even 300 mg. of Serzone at night. I’ll try 200 mg. tonight – or maybe 250 mg. if I really can’t sleep. But I’m beginning to think I need to try another drug, and that’s got me upset.

Driving to ASU in a cold rain this morning, I was trembling, sweaty-palmed and anxious, and I felt antsy even during peer review and conferences.

Attendance was off, either because of the very bad weather with heavy flooding or their essays being due, but at least I felt distracted most of the time.

After having conferences with my students, I took a zinc lozenge because I felt like I was coming down with the cold that many of my students seem to have.

I also think I reinjured my back doing yoga when I got home from school, but who knows if I’m just being overly sensitive?

I had been looking forward to spring break next week, but now I wonder if I’m not going to feel worse – because as tough as teaching is, it does provide me with a distraction.

I don’t know if I’m going to survive this ordeal, how I’ll ever function again or have a real life.

In a way, I’ve often thought I’ve lived on borrowed time since 1969, feeling certain that the anxiety and depression I had in my mid-teens would descend on me again.

I’m not exactly surprised that this happened that this part of my life, but I’m greedy and want more out of life than to be an anxious agoraphobic.

I’m not a kid anymore, and my parents are no longer young and wealthy, and I feel my world shrinking to the symptoms I have every day and night.

When I spoke to Sat Darshan, she said that I sounded better today but that’s probably because I was able to sleep last night.

Sat Darshan admitted she herself is a functioning dysthymic with low-grade depression, and the only reason she hasn’t killed herself is because of her girls.

Although I’ve been as gloomy as the weather this afternoon, I haven’t had a real bout of trembling since I got back from ASU.

Would a warm sunny day help relieve my symptoms? Maybe. It’s easier when I can get out of the house the way I did yesterday.

God help me get through another afternoon and night.

Thursday, March 8, 2001

6 PM. Last night I fell asleep ridiculously early after taking 1.5 mg. of Klonopin at about this time. I took only 200 mg. of Serzone and I didn’t have that visual problem during the many times I arose during the night.

The Klonopin does dehydrate me, and I had to change my t-shirt because I sweated through it, but I may be overreacting to the cold nights. It doesn’t look like we’re going to get to normal temperatures anytime soon, with more rain and cool weather over the weekend.

Basically I slept well and had a passel of dreams, the nicest being one in which Sean appeared as one of my students and I got to hug him.

At 8 AM, I was awake. The new tapes still helped me fall asleep, but not as fast as they did the night before. I felt a little nauseous and I felt the same way in class at MCC, as I have in class at ASU and as I did in Apache Junction last Saturday.

Even now I feel a little queasy. I think it could be anxiety, but it might be a side effect of the Klonopin, which also gives me a headache behind the eye. I think I’ll take just one milligram at first tonight and see what happens; Later I’ll take .5 mg. if I can’t sleep in addition to 200 mg. of Serzone.

I’d expected Dr. Brubaker to call after I phoned him at Susan’s urging after our session ended. I guess they were still hoping the Serzone would work, but Susan said she figured I would go off it already because it’s not really helping me.

I’ve kept the line open by not using the modem, but maybe Dr. Brubaker will call tomorrow after discussing it with Susan. I’d like to try Triavil or another tricyclic antidepressant again.

When I got home from school – half the students weren’t prepared for peer review – I exercised to Body Electric, did laundry and then made a worry list, an outline form, that I kept for myself and gave to Susan.

One thing she said not to worry about is that as long as she is not dead, she will still treat me for a reduced fee: “I won’t abandon you.”

She gave me some worksheets to fill out, taken from a book, to record stuff about events that trigger worry, ways I try to dispute the worry cognitively, and my anxiety levels before and after.

Another is a sheet to fill out before bed every night, using a 1-to-10 scale to rate my general mood of anxiety and depression for the day, the list of my high for each day, and for “pleasantness.”

Just before my appointment with Susan, I must have had the longest crying jag of my life. After I did the worry list, I got online and did research on web pages about Triavil.

Looking at them, I thought about how that drug got me started going out and facing my panic attacks in the spring and summer of 1969, and how I started college, went to Manhattan – mostly to the Village – and began attending movies, plays and restaurants by myself again.

At Christmas that year, I even went to Miami Beach by plane. And within a year or two, I had a full life with lots of friends, activities and interests.

During that time I still had anxiety and panic attacks, but I kept taking Triavil on a reduced basis: usually one a night, but more during panic attacks.

The drug was kind of my talisman. And getting it from Joel Deutsch all these years, it seemed as if it was my lucky charm that allowed me to do all the exciting stuff I managed to do.

I always felt that eventually darkness would descend again, and that seems to have happened last fall.

Back then, everyone at the ASU Student Health Center basically yelled at me for taking the drug for 30 years without a prescription, but I feel it was my best friend. I didn’t know that taking the Triavil 2/10 dosage once a day was too small to have a real effect.

But it seemed as if it stopped working last fall, so I didn’t take it anymore – and then I got started on the parade of other drugs: Zoloft, Paxil, Ativan, Trazodone, Serzone and Klonopin.

Some of those drugs helped the depression and anxiety a bit. However, none of them had the transformative effect that Triavil had on my depression and anxiety when I was 17 and 18.

Susan suggested a new drug, Seroquel, that she and Dr. Brubaker learned about at a seminar, but I said I’d prefer to go back to a tricyclic. Maybe when I took Triavil on my own, my body knew what it was doing all along.

Now I’m all teary again, though it felt good to cry because I thought of the life I had as a 15- to 17-year-old. Because of the panic disorder and depression. I felt as though I would never be able to live a full, normal life.

Susan thinks that my teenage episodes were probably produced by a kind of trauma occurring because I was no longer a kid anymore and was facing high school and college.

Of course, some emotional problems seem to run in my family, and my anxiety was probably modeled for me by my worrying parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles.

You know, this is the one story or book I feel I have left in me: about how I’ve dealt with anxiety and panic disorder my whole life.

I’m starting to tremble now, so I’ll try to distract myself by discussing other stuff besides my symptoms.

I’ve learned that the big place for spring break for ASU and MCC kids without too much money is Rocky Point, the nearest beach on the Gulf of California in Mexico.

You know, I really do like working with college kids individually. Of course, my interactions with them are the only connections with people (besides other adjuncts) that I have every day.

Part of me is almost scared when school ends even though teaching causes me anxiety. Susan said she’s interested to see how spring break goes for me.

I do think I’ll go to Apache Junction on Friday or Saturday, and although I have lots to catch up on, I need to get out of this apartment for a while and put off everything. It will sort of be like a vacation even if I feel the anxiety and depression symptoms.

Yeah, I’m depressed now: Klonopin probably helps make me feel down, but it it’s a kind of optimistic sadness. Hey, I said I wasn’t going to obsess.

So it looks like Bush’s tax cut will go through, and it will be a disaster long term, the way Reagan’s tax cut was. Pretty soon we’ll have big deficits instead of big surpluses. I think the GDP first quarter numbers might show a contraction.

All the dot-coms have either gone out of business – like Driveway.com, where I stored files online – and I’ve even heard Yahoo is in trouble.

Things are sluggish economically, and I’m glad about that. I have the attitude of the elderly emperor at the end of I, Claudius, when he wanted everything to go haywire so that the horrible imperial Rome of which he’d been a part would collapse.

Of course, I never really prospered during the 1990s, nor did many other Americans, and Bush’s Republican Congress is now taking away OSHA protections against repetitive injuries and other Clinton rules and executive orders. I am sure all the stuff on sexual orientation anti-discrimination will go away next.

Friday, March 9, 2001

1 PM. Dr. Brubaker phoned last night and we agreed that I should wean myself off Serzone by 50 mg. a day and then start on Triavil 2/25, one at night.

I will still take the Klonopin to help me sleep, and I’ve also got an Ativan prescription to get me through the roughest times of the transition.

Last night at 7:30 PM, after I got off the phone with Dr. Brubaker, I took my 1.5 mg. Klonopin and 200 mg. Serzone as I had the night before, but I took only 50 mg. of Serzone this morning.

But I was trembling, so I took .75 mg. of Klonopin, and it seemed to work. I got through the conferences and peer review with the ASU students who showed up this morning.

Today’s supposed to be about 70°, but it should be cooler and rainy all weekend. I’m all packed to go to Apache Junction, though I may lie down for a while because I’m a little drowsy. I’ll stay a couple of days with my family.

I’m a little scared about weaning myself off Serzone – not that I think it was that effective. But it will be good to have people around me while I’m having symptoms of withdrawal – if I get any. I never bothered to wean myself off Paxil, but I’ve taken Serzone for nearly three months.

I have about 15 papers to grade from the ASU classes, but I’ll keep them in the closet with the rest of my school stuff until next weekend.

Well, wish me luck. I figure I can start on Triavil 2/25 on Tuesday night. I have no idea if it will work, but of course it’s basically like an old friend of mine.

*

6 PM. I’m in Jonathan’s room, as he’s gone back to work for a couple of hours after dinner.

I got here before 2 PM, stopping at the Superstition Springs Wendy’s to go to the bathroom. (The line was too long for me to stop and eat; at least that’s how I felt at the time.)

I arrived in Apache Junction just as Dad was driving Mom to the Bashas’ on Apache Trail and Signal Butte.

After unpacking some of my things – my tapes, heating pad, pills and vitamins, glasses case, wallet, diary, and a few clothes – I put them in the cabinet under the TV in the great room. There’s really not much room for me to live here, I can see.

Tomorrow and Sunday will again be rainy and in the 50°s. Although it’s been cloudy today, it felt warm enough at 68° to sit out in the backyard and read the New York Times. Today my concentration was better, and I didn’t have to skim articles.

I actually felt kind of like myself for a while.

Checking email, I saw that that student Naomi in my 7:30 AM MCC class, who’s barely attended, emailed. She said she’s got two kids and is suffering from depression, as is her mother, who’s in prison. I called Naomi but had to leave a message.

Unlike the month off I had last December and January, spring break is only a week, and it’s going to be hard to get away from being a teacher.

Tom wrote me, saying that he’s in the fifth day of a bad cold (I wrote in my cognitive monitoring form about my own fear of a cold after conferencing with lots of sick students) and said I should do only gentle exercises for my back.

Although I’m not sure if being here in Apache Junction is such a good idea, I figure it will get me out of the apartment and into, maybe, a different mindset.

I don’t expect weaning myself from Serzone will be that bad if I’ve still got Klonopin and Ativan.

Right now I feel a little shaky, probably because the Klonopin from this morning is wearing off. I know Dad hates it when I obsess about my drugs and my condition, so I will not mention it when he’s around.

He got upset when I was in the backyard speaking to Mom about getting my drugs at Osco because he feared the neighbors would hear what I was saying.

P-FLAG invited me to call them about talking about my life at a meeting, and I’ll phone the woman, Nancy and tell her that May is probably the best time for me to come. Talking at a P-FLAG meeting would give me an ego boost, but I think April is too soon.

Well, it will be interesting to see how this week and this coming month goes. I do like the support of the Yahoo Clonazepam Antidepressant Meds clubs, and I’ve posted on them.

I’ll hang out here for now and read some of my mail.

The unemployment numbers were so good that it now appears that recession is unlikely. Bush and his tax cut are now very popular.

The Times had a front page story about the new bankruptcy bill pushing people into filing now, and Tom asked about its effect on me, but right now I think I can still get by under Chapter 7 because of my low income.

The census figures are being released for a few states every day, and the big surprise is the rise of Hispanics, who seem to have already overtaken blacks as the largest minority.

The outer suburbs gained population, but so did some old cities like Paterson, New Jersey. Jersey City may soon be larger than Newark.

Lots of people claim more than one race, and of course the Asian and especially the Hispanic population is growing in states where you once found few of them – in the South and Midwest, for example.

I feel shaky and tired.