Someone With a Pen: Richard Grayson’s Diary

Thursday, February 1, 2001

7 PM. My session with Susan today went okay, but I don’t know how much we’re accomplishing.

I guess I’m frustrated with my treatment and don’t really believe that what happened to me two weeks ago can still be affecting me so much since my real anxiety seems to stem from the pressure from school and now from the shimmering and undulating images I’ve been getting as a Serzone side effect. I’m afraid to turn on a light at night because I get these weird “trails” of light moving in a line when I turn my head.

I found a 1999 article in Nursing that documents two men around my age who described the same exact side effects of Serzone, only scarier, since it happened to one guy after driving at night and going into a lighted building.

Another site I found on Lexis was a letter about the topic in the American Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, which I didn’t have access to read.

I don’t know how this symptom progresses or if it’s tolerable, but I’m almost afraid to go to sleep at night for fear of having these vision trails again. On the other hand, they do seem to go away after an hour at most.

Susan told me how depression combined with anxiety is much harder to treat than depression or anxiety alone and that I need to take Ativan when I have symptoms of anxiety.

Today I felt pretty depressed and tired, and I had watery gas again in the afternoon. But it was not so bad to lie around all day. I need to be less of a worrier. Of course, that’s easier said than done.

Susan gave me the name of a book, Worry, by Edward M. Hallowell. And after I got home, the tapes I ordered of Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway arrived via UPS.

Both Susan and her husband agree that it’s very important I get sleep and that I avoid these anxiety symptoms as much as I can by using Ativan when I need it.

I haven’t read a lot of today’s newspaper, but as Dad said a week ago, who cares? I need to be less compulsive and obsessive, though that’s been the way I’ve kept anxiety at bay for years.

I just have a lot of doubts about whether I’m going to recover from this. Teresa says that eventually I’ll put this year in Arizona out of my life, the way she did her month in San Francisco in 1985, but I don’t think I will forget how I’ve suffered from mental illness here.

Maybe that’s a good thing. But I guess she’s right in saying that she’s sure I will recover after enough time goes by.

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Friday, February 2, 2001

3:30 PM. I’m just settling in here in Marc’s room in Apache Junction. I don’t know how this weekend is going to work out, and I’m frankly nervous about it. Right now I have my usual afternoon “wet flatulence.”

*

It’s 4:15 PM now, as I’ve been talking to Sat Darshan for the last 45 minutes.

Sat Darshan said she hoped my parents wouldn’t drive me crazy this weekend, but it’s actually nice to know someone else is in the house.

I feel the same way when I’m at Teresa and Paul’s, or at Grant and Libby’s, or at artists’ colonies. Anxiety has taken away a lot of the pleasure I got out of living alone.

Last night I slept okay and tried not to go to the bathroom, but when I did, I made sure not to put on the light in the bathroom and instead relied on the distant light of the closet which I kept on all night. Doing this avoided those visual disturbances.

I had painful urination when I woke up after a “bad” dream in which I phoned Ronna in Philadelphia and neither she nor any member of her family would take my call, but the urination problem went away during the day.

This morning I took an Ativan to take the edge off my anxiety, and my ASU classes today went very well.

I put one student – the brightest guy in each class, Jonathan and Siggy – in charge of the discussion about the adjunct professor article and also whether we should change the requirements of the course to three smaller papers and one long research paper due at the end of the term. The latter is what I should have put in the syllabus the way I did for my MCC class in the first place.

I handed out sheets that had a fairly detailed description of what I want from them in the first writing assignment.

Anyway, for now we will go with one bigger research paper. That will make life difficult for me at the end of the semester but easier before spring break – which begins in five weeks.

During my office hour, I looked at the website for this week’s Pre-Columbian Theater class and sent an idiosyncratic comment to the class discussion board.

Today warmed up to the high 60°s. When I got home, I did Body Electric, had lunch and read a little of the Times before going to my 1 PM appointment at the dentist. So now I’ve got my permanent crown in, the Novocain has worn off, and I feel okay.

From the dentist, I went to Osco and paid $209 for 150 tablets of Serzone. I’m spending an incredible amount on medication, but as I’ve told Susan, if I don’t get a good full-time job by next year, I just plan to go bankrupt. For now, getting back to health is all I care about now.

Last night I had to tell this nice guy, Patrick, who answered my PlanetOut ad, that I couldn’t meet him for coffee because I didn’t feel ready. While I’d like to meet a guy, I don’t imagine any guy would be interested in me when I’m not feeling well mentally.

Patrick said to call him when I’m feeling better if I’m still interested. Is it possible I might just using anxiety as an excuse?

I hope to find out if I have fewer anxiety symptoms staying in A.J. this weekend. I left all my teaching stuff at home and won’t deal with the MCC papers until week.

The only stuff I have are my videos for the Multicultural Film class, and I’m under no pressure to watch them now. I just want to veg out, assuming that won’t make me feel worse.

I got a letter from David Bodney, thanking me for the copy of The Silicon Valley Diet and saying I got an A on the exam. However, I need to file some paper with the Cronkite School before it can be reported.

Kevin Urick wrote me that Lincoln’s Doctor’s Dog Is now out of print, so I can use it for a print-on-demand book through the Authors Guild’s Backinprint.com program.

I also want to order some more copies of With Hitler in New York, and I guess I should do that soon because I’m not sure how long iUniverse.com will survive.

Kevin says he’s doing well in the Baltimore City prosecutor’s office although he’s thinking of relocating.

I also got an email from Timmy in Tennessee, who seems to be thriving. He’s regularly attending his courses in digital animation and digital photography and going to Lambda meetings at MTSU.

Timmy didn’t mention any problems, which is great. I probably will write him a long note tomorrow, but today I feel like just relaxing and doing whatever I feel like.

I’ll finish today’s Times later – or not. Instead of listening to All Things Considered the way I usually do, I’ll take advantage of having cable TV and a DVD player in Marc’s room.

Yesterday I told Susan I need to stop being so obsessive-compulsive about paying bills early, putting out my clothes the night before, checking email every couple of hours, etc.

I gave Susan a copy of Diet and told her that the narrator’s diet in the title story, as compulsive as it is, is basically my own diet in real life.

I wish I could be as spontaneous as Teresa. While I’ve thought of stopping being so compulsive about this diary, maybe these daily entries are something I will want to continue with because writing offers me solace. For the past few months, I’m better off having had this diary as an outlet.

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Tuesday, February 6, 2001

6 PM. Last night I watched Boston Public and read a bit till my eyes got that gotta-close-them feeling mentioned in one of my relaxation tapes.

I fell asleep at 8:30 PM and woke up an hour later when the phone rang: it was a student who hadn’t been in class in a week and wanted to know what he missed.

On my reduced dose of 200 mg. of Serzone, I slept pretty well, till about 2:30 AM, which was actually a good six hours – and I didn’t have that vision problem.

Tomorrow I’ll see an eye doctor at Superstition Springs Mall, as I probably need a new prescription anyway. Hopefully I’ll be okay on the lower doses of Serzone.

Even though I listened to my relaxation tapes, I still couldn’t get back to sleep, and I had sweaty palms – though they’ve been dry all afternoon.

Starting at 5:30 AM, I exercised and did some other stuff before going to Mesa Community College, where Doyle showed me how to use the VCR and large screen TV in my classroom.

I decided to show the North Florida Journal tape on marijuana legalization as part of “selecting a topic” in our spiral research guide.

When I told the class they wouldn’t get their papers back until next week, they didn’t seem to hate me.

After class, I drove to Kinko’s and made nine copies of my NEA fellowship manuscript material, a 29-page version of “The Silicon Valley Diet.”

About an hour ago, I finished printing out my online application forms and other stuff, and it’s all ready to be mailed to the NEA a month ahead of the deadline. But in some ways trying to do so much at once fouls me up.

After seeing that a 122-word version of my 600-word op-ed article appeared as a letter in Saturday’s Arizona Republic on Lexis (how did we all miss it in Apache Junction?), I went to the library to xerox it (the letter made me sound like a wimp) and to take out a book of Flannery O’Connor’s stories because I want to read “A Good Man Is Hard to Find” aloud in Thursday’s class.

After going to the bank to take out another $500 from checking and $300 as a cash advance on my Household Gold MasterCard for my car purchase, I went to Albertsons and then to the video store to rent Smoke Signals for my American Multicultural Film class.

For the past few days, I’ve been having trouble with my glasses case (my jeans are too tight) and when I got everything home, my glasses case was missing.

So after putting away the frozen and refrigerated food, I searched the rental car (earlier I took the Cougar) and came up empty.

I felt I just had to go to Osco and buy a new glasses case to replace it, but as soon as I returned to the car, there was my old case sitting on the passenger seat.

How could I have missed it? Anxiety made me blind, just as it caused me to flood the engine and do other stupid things that I spoke about this afternoon with Susan.

It’s been four months since I first saw her on Election Day, and this was one of our most productive sessions.

At the end, she said that I probably need to stay at a low dose of Serzone and go up on Klonopin, which is what Dr. Brubaker said yesterday.

Today I didn’t take an Ativan, because while I felt extremely uncomfortable, I wasn’t desperate.

Perhaps Phoenix isn’t the place for me. Susan said she’s doubted it from the beginning, but if I stay here, I shouldn’t do it just to be safe in my parents’ home.

She said she lived two years in Dayton, Ohio, where a lot of good stuff happened, but she hated it. She needs to be in the Southwest.

I know I can’t take a cold climate. Susan said she feels I will get over this bout of anxiety and be able to resume my old activities. Hearing that made me feel hopeful.

All the good stuff I’ve been doing – reading books, listening to tapes, doing yoga and aerobics – can’t make up for the fact that there definitely is an anxiety gene, and there’s a physiological component to this. That’s why I need meds.

Actually, today wasn’t such a bad day. It hit 78° or so although it will be 20° cooler and rainy over the next few days as another Pacific storm system comes through Arizona.

I do feel good being outside. By 1 PM, I’d finished reading the Times, so I started watching Smoke Signals and taking notes.

I also filled out the Backinprint.com form for Lincoln’s Doctor’s Dog. I still want to order 20 copies of Backinprint.com’s version of With Hitler in New York. Since I’m going to end up bankrupt anyway, I probably should go whole hog on my credit cards the way I did in the late 1980s.

So I do have plans for the future. At least on days like today, I don’t envision myself dying or psychologically dying – and I do see a future.

In five weeks I’ll be on spring break, and maybe by then, I’ll feel better. (Today I taught Susan what “kinahora” means.)

Eventually I’ll figure out what I want to do. But I can’t do everything at once, and I need to learn to do nothing but relax sometimes.

This afternoon I spoke to Sat Darshan, who is going to get a passport photo for Kiran in the hope that they can go to India this spring.

There are a few more things I want to do today, but then I’m going to try to relax tonight.

It’s 6:30 PM, so I’ll take my Klonopin now and the Serzone an hour later, and if I can’t sleep, I’ll take an Ativan.

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Thursday, February 8, 2001

7 PM. Last night I fell asleep before Dawson’s Creek ended, which means before 8 PM. Although I woke up a number of times, as usual, I took an Ativan only at 1:30 AM after being awake about an hour, and I didn’t get up until the alarm at 6 AM. So I must have slept nine hours or more.

Today was a cold, rainy day. I got to Mesa Community College early to park the rental car in a visitor’s space because wanted to drive directly to my parents’ house after class.

In class, I read aloud “A Good Man is Hard to Find” from the library book I found yesterday, but I also was able to photocopy the story from a literature anthology in the office so the students could follow along with me.

I think I did a pretty good job reading the story and we had a decent discussion on it, though sometimes I think the MCC students treat me like the senile teacher character played by Fyvush Finkel on Boston Public. But why should I care about that?

I got to Apache Junction about 9:15 AM. China ran to the door to greet me affectionately, and I saw the new brown sectional couch that’s in the living room.

That means there won’t be room for my bed, but Mom said they’ll put it in a storage place.

Dad was told his LDL went up to 130, bringing his total cholesterol above 200, so they told him to double his Zocor.

I worry about all the pressure I’ve put Dad under since I moved here – even today, following me to Sears to return the rental car and then driving me home and going all the way back to his house.

Marc called while I was there. He came back from Key West and was enjoying South Florida although the humidity tired him out.

Today our high here was only about 53°, around 25° cooler than it was a few days ago. I’ll take South Florida’s weather any day over Arizona’s because it’s less variable and warmer in the winter.

Last night I had this dream in which I was in a car talking to a boy who lived in the apartment at 388 East 54th Street in Brooklyn between Snyder and Tilden – which of course is where I lived until we bought our house in 1957 or 1958. Obviously I was talking to the boy that was me, and I was trying to reach back to my childhood stuff.

On Tuesday, I told Susan that I remember being “nervous” even in kindergarten and first grade and recalled various incidents in which I was afraid to carry the flag into assembly or panicked when the teacher placed camphor on my desk.

Probably today was the day I had the fewest symptoms of anxiety in the last few weeks. At times I got a little antsy, but I didn’t consider using Ativan.

After Dad brought me home (I gave him and Marc more money – $1,100 – to hide in a fake Campbell’s soup can), I did Tae Bo. Then I masturbated (I’ve been oddly horny today) and then I just lay down till 12:30 PM despite the long sleep I had the night before.

An hour later, I went out to the Wendy’s at Main and Alma School, returned some stuff to the library and video store, and took out another $800 from checking and my Household Gold MasterCard.

We’re going to look at the Saturn the mechanic has for sale next week when Marc’s Cadillac is ready. For now, I’ve got Teresa’s used-car salesman friend pretty much at bay.

I noticed that Kate Gale will be reading at Changing Hands Bookstore next Friday, so of course I’ll go to meet her at last. It seems like Valentine Publishing Group has been organizing lots of readings again.

I wrote to Tom about The Nimble and the Lazy, the Walser chapbook, which was a relaxing read, and I did some other stuff online.

But I also wasted time, going to erotic gay boxing sites. (No wonder I felt horny.)

I’ve been in the apartment since about 3 PM and haven’t done all that much. I found our professor’s translation of the fifteenth-century Mayan play Rabinal Achi (from the original Kʼicheʼ language) close to unreadable.

I know that tomorrow I’m going to do the opposite of what I did on Monday: do the freewriting on people’s names in the 7:40 AM class and go over Chapter 3 in our text with the 9:40 AM class.

Although my students will probably want to see me during my office hours, I’d really like to leave as early as possible after class ends at 10:30 AM.

I plan to spend the weekend in A.J. if I can, bringing no videos but taking the MCC papers to grade. After tomorrow, I’ll be finished with one quarter of this term at ASU and halfway to spring break.

Tonight I looked at the English 101 syllabus of Maximilian, my officemate, who is extremely strict and into all that rhet/comp process stuff. It’s probably a good thing, but even if I weren’t messed up mentally, I just don’t have the patience for it.

I’m not sure I ever want to teach composition again, though of course I’d consider a full-time job at Broward Community College for the security and money.

I guess I don’t need to sleep that great tonight, but I’ve been spoiled, first by the trazodone and then the Serzone. A lot of last fall, I’d sleep only a combined five or six hours over three entire nights.

It’s supposed to be very cold tonight.